That man drives me crazy in so many ways. I did a list of pro’s and con’s and both lists were almost equal and covering both sides of a page.
We’ve slowed things down sexually for several reasons. For starters he can no longer maintain an erection for any good amount of time, even with Viagra. Secondly our play was just getting out of hand. Last time we played he tied me up and when untying me he inadvertently cut me deep enough to draw blood and leave what I can tell will be a lifelong mark (scar).
I’ve also put a complete moratorium on all inappropriate perversion. No more wild fantasies about family members or whatever. Which has left us at a bit of a lull. I’m absolutely fine with it. Actually, I’m really happy about it. Will this inspire him to actually really try to make love? Doubtful. But who knows.
We just like spending time with each other. I’m free to do as I please and as long as he runs it by me so is he really. Why would I stop him? I am possessive and jealous but I’m also realistic. People have needs. If I’m not filling them he is free to go elsewhere. I am ever transparent about myself and I expect the same. That’s all.
He still keeps talking about marriage though and I’m not sure he’s understanding how far away we are from that. His health is getting rapidly worse it seems. His back isn’t healing. His mental health is starting to get affected by his lack of movement and being able to do simple things. Yet I haven’t offered to help him because he has rejected my offers to treat him holistically before and reprimanded my own ways to treat myself and my children so many times I don’t see a point anymore.
He is completely enamored with Western medicine even though it hasn’t helped him very much. And in my opinion has actually made things worse but he won’t listen. Stubborn thing that he is. Oh well.
Just one more disconnect between us. At this point I’ve decided I’m officially giving up on finding a partner for myself beyond just a person to spend some time with when I can and fuck here and there anyway. That’s it. Those are my expectations. Well obviously even in that capacity I want to be doted on and pampered. But that’s a given. Isn’t it? 😏😉💋