I’ve lost many readers this last week. I feel it has more to do with the content of my posts than the busyness of life but I completely understand. I’ve accepted the fact that my blog will never be mainstream. But I’m also not trying to win any popularity contests or monetize it.
This is my way to exorcise my own demons. This is my way to open myself up and process my experiences. They are definitely not all pretty, but this is all I have. This is what I offer.
I called Mary today and she will be helping me with the sexual trauma healing. She seemed to (I’m sure rightly) feel that this is a main aspect of my sexual and partner dysfunction. She said that she healed herself from sexual trauma as well with hypnotherapy. I’m excited to be able to work directly on a deeper psyche level with my issues but I have also purposefully never let myself be hypnotized before.
This is a level of trust I can’t say I am very comfortable with but the time has come to tackle this head on and this is one way to try to do that.
I refuse to give up on myself but at the same time I am more than willing to become asexual if that is what needs to happen to ensure the safety of my children.
The specialized therapist was a bit shocked when she asked me how I was doing with watching porn and I told her I simply wasn’t doing it. She asked me how and I told her I just don’t. There are so many aspects to sex. So much one can do. Porn is, if anything, probably the most easily accessible but also the most isolating way to enjoy sex.
Solo sex is probably the least enjoyable form of sex to me and porn just reinforces that and is also a slippery slope right now. Plus I don’t need it. And when the thought pops in my head I just switch subjects. Busy myself with something else. Another thought. A chore. Something. Anything. Just not that.
I’ve had to retrain myself this way for decades. It was my depression at first. Then addiction. So porn was not that hard considering I had only been watching it a few weeks when I realized it was becoming a problem. 3 hours of porn in one day is extreme for anyone let alone someone as busy and with as many responsibilities as I have.
I still think porn is great. I enjoy how it crosses all barriers and encompasses all fetishes. But I don’t enjoy the staged stuff so much and I also don’t enjoy how very, very devious and destructive it can be. And where is the making love porn?? I’m still pissed that isn’t more mainstream.
I remember once talking to a charmingly sweet guy at a bar and he was telling me how his sister’s husband was addicted to porn. This was about 18 years ago and I know the issue has become almost an epidemic now. I had just finished reading an article in the paper about how the spouse (in this case predominantly women) needed to find a way to bring themselves back into the sex equation for their partner.
The article suggested at first watching porn together and understanding any needs that maybe weren’t being fulfilled sexually but also gradually pulling the spouse away from virtual sex to real sex. This was, of course, assuming the spouse was wanting to engage sexually and also wanted to do all this work. Which maybe a psychologist would be just as helpful with. Maybe.
I appreciate those of you that have stuck with me. I truly do. I appreciate the votes of confidence, the words of encouragement. I appreciate you taking the time to spend on my musings. Time is a commodity that is more valuable than gold. And I can’t thank you enough for spending it with me.