There is something to be said about communal prayer and song.
Yesterday was my first day off in 2 weeks. I was excited to check out the Daime. Jan took me to what they call Mass. Where once a month they pray for 3 solid hours for the lost souls of the departed.
This will be the 4th month of me doing this already on my own but obviously I knew this would be different. I wasn’t expecting how different though. I think more than anything it was the communal aspect, but I can’t discount the ayuhuasca either. With these two factors I was able to see visions much clearer. Where usually I only sense spirit, I was able to picture some of them very vividly.
Coming from a Catholic background and having stepped away from the doctrine for many, many years now I didn’t much care for the rosary prayers, but I did enjoy some of the hymns of the church. Some were very lovely and seemed to evoke great beauty and spirituality. I listened and read along but I did not sing or pray along. I simply witnessed and held a space of reverence.
Just because a religion or aspect of it isn’t my cup of tea doesn’t discount the connection others have to it and I can hold a space of true and deep respect and appreciation for it all the same.
It would be foolish of me to participate and say these things by rote when over a decade ago I modified the Trinity from Mathew to say “In the name of the Mother and Father, son and daughter, and Holy Spirit” and I haven’t even said that in years. So to revert back to an original scripture to say something I don’t feel true would be almost a mockery of it on my part and that is absolutely not what I am trying to do.
We took two small doses of the Daime and it was after this that I was able to see the spirits very clear. At one point a little boy of no more than 5 climbed into my lap and a bundled little baby cradled itself in my right arm. They were so happy and peaceful. The baby smiled and the child rocked happily on my lap. I intuitively understood that while they knew they were free to go, that they didn’t want to leave their human family. They wanted me to pray for them. I needed to help the families find peace so that they could let the children go.
I said several prayers and shed a few tears. Why it had never occured to me before that spirits capable and knowing they could leave wouldn’t because they would not leave their loved ones in such despair struck me as so sadly beautiful. And it wasn’t something that was in any way on my radar prior to last night.
There was also a much older woman who I could clearly see on the outskirts of the prayer circle. She was frail and thin, shy and weak. All she kept saying was “I’m sorry”. She absolutely did not feel worthy of crossing over even though I couldn’t sense anything keeping her back from it. I tried to offer her forgiveness and I prayed but she was so very sad and almost inconsolable.
Then there was a group of spirits who I could not see very clearly but felt and they were so happy to have a light shone and prayer done for them. I said “let’s dance”. Their energy was just so very happy, but as soon as I started to I began feeling nauseous and told them to continue without me. That was the most racketous part of the evening and it’s funny that it was all happening as I stood or sat in complete silence. Interacting with these spirits on a different plane altogether.
That part was rather mesmerizing and I was so grateful that others felt the need to pray for the departed as well. I can’t discount the need for that even as I don’t particularly care for the methodology all that much. But I am no one to judge. I am simply grateful it exists, that this selfless act of devotion and service to God exists and is felt by others as a need to participate in as well.
I don’t know if I will join in mass again even though I loved the communal aspect much more than I ever thought I would. Towards the end of the month they have another ritual planned. I am going to try and go, however I also don’t want to insult the beauty of their religion by not singing and praying along.
I just can’t do things simply to do them. I have to find meaning in them. I have to believe in it for myself. I have to follow what my heart dictates is right for me. And while I think this has great allure and strong spirituality to it, and I see it as a possible adjunct to the connection I already deeply understand, I’m not sure if this is the right time for it. But maybe I need this more than I even realize. I can’t rightly say. Right now I am just going with the flow of life…..or trying to.
My “religion” just seems so beyond words to me sometimes that I don’t see the point of talking about it. But it’s good to commune with people that are trying to also find deep meaning in life. People that are trying to bring light and love into the world, “follow the path of peace” as they say in the church. That in and of itself seems very, very powerful indeed.
And as a side note the ayuhuasca is so very mild. My nose tingled a tiny bit like I was going to sneeze is all I really felt physically. THC is so much stronger as far as thought warping. Lol. It was a good way to be introduced to it though. And I’m sure all in all it’s an experience I will never forget.