I for obvious reasons talk about this a lot. I feel it’s very misunderstood.
My daughter’s were watching a movie together the other day and the 6 year old wanted to kiss the oldest in the way she saw in the movie. The oldest then tells her she does not consent to that. Which the 6 year old can’t understand.
So when the teenager relays this to me I absolutely agree with her and applaud her for trying to convey that to the munchkin. (Note to self: talk to her counselor about it).
But then I tell the teenager that it’s not just about consent and age but desire too. I gave her the example of a conventional marriage where neither partner is suppose to engage in sex outside the marriage. There may be a time when one party wants it and the other doesn’t particularly but may give in anyway. Conversely though should one party absolutely not want to, even while married to this person, it does not automatically entitle the other person to it. No in marriage is still valid. We discussed this for a bit.
I was also asking her to be mindful that when you invite people into your bedroom sometimes they get ideas beyond just talking and that especially boys don’t always understand boundaries. I told her how I trusted her implicitly but maybe not all her choices and definitely not everyone else. She laughed. I sometimes wonder if she is listening to me and I just have to keep trying.
I’m not a huge “enforcer” type parent. Which as a single mom sometimes makes it hard. There is no male figure to impose things on them. So they get away with a lot more than when their father was in the house. But at the same time they seem happier and calmer. Maybe the little one is sad, she lost a playmate.
I often wish my life were different. But there isn’t any use to thinking that way. All I can do is what I can do, with what I was given; with what I have. Doesn’t matter really who has what beside me. It never has. It never will.
Although I do have to say I felt extreme jealously of Brad’s daughter recently. Jealously is an emotion I rarely ever feel so to feel it so strongly almost inspires rage in me. I can regulate it of course but watching and acknowledging it is an interesting experience.
She went out and bought an old BMW SUV with over 200k miles on it. Brad advised her against it. But she very ballsily went and bought it anyway. Because she knows he will help her, regardless of whatever he says and feels. He will help her. He will troubleshoot it and offer suggestions and ideas, money even, whatever she needs. He will be there for her even as he grumbles about it.
She knows this. That’s why she bought a car that is probably going to be a big headache for him. Because she didn’t give a fuck, basically. She wanted it and that’s that. No guilt. No repercussions. No nothing.
And I’ve never had anyone that I could count on like that. That would support me completely and absolutely even if I did exactly what they told me not to do. That I knew they would bail me out always and in all ways. Never. And I tell Brad all this because I have absolutely no filter and he says “you have me now” and it makes me want to cry for so many reasons and I say nothing. Because I can’t even process it and it doesn’t really feel true either.
And it’s not my place and what should I care and it’s nice of him to say.
And that’s that. It’s a nice car. Such is life.