I called it, didn’t I?
People are so quick to judge. Nothing seems to make some people happier than judging others and feeling superior/better than someone else.
I’ve said this before but I will say it again. If you were to play a reel of everyone’s life and just show the bad parts. The moments they were rude, angry, unreasonable, had evil, vengeful, jealous, envious thoughts, cruel intentions, lied, cheated, stole, etc. etc. Not one single person walking this earth over the age of 10 would like what they saw.
Not one person would seem worthy of heaven. Not one. But people love to play the “not me” game with their noses up in the air. Making them feel powerful and superior. Ok. Fine. I get it. You’re up on some high pedestal deserving of whatever you feel is righteous in this world and you can judge and put down whoever is beneath you because you’re better than “them”.
How sad the world is. How petty and simple minded people can be. How savage the self-righteous can be. Most people don’t know what they are capable of; both good and bad until they are put in a position to find out for themselves. But fortunately most people won’t be tested to such extremes. Most people never fully know their demons.
They don’t know their deepest, truest, darkest desires. They don’t have to delve into their damaged psyche to live their life. It isn’t necessary and most people don’t want to be bothered to even glimpse that way. Denial and lack of true self assessment is real.
It is not my fault that I was exposed to what I was exposed to. I momentarily fell down a rabbit hole recently. One of many life has dealt me, but…… unfortunately yesterday was not my day.
I woke up at 5:30, so I could get my day started for a 7am client. Then I went to Jill’s and had a full roster. I was finally done with work at 6pm. Brad came to pick me up and take me to his place. We stopped at his favorite restaurant in Salem and had dinner. As soon as I walked in one woman stared at me oddly, but since moving to Oregon I’ve gotten pretty used to that.
But then the waitress was smiling at me too hard and got my order wrong repeatedly. Then another woman was staring intently at Brad. It was just a really odd experience, the whole thing seemed off. Another woman at the bar would not stop staring at both of us and then as we left a woman at a table loudly said “I can’t do child porn” as we walked by.
Loud or so Brad said. I didn’t hear it.
But the whole experience was so unsettling. Made me almost break down in tears. It made me feel horrible. I did nothing wrong. I am doing nothing wrong. I am hustling my ass to support my children and keep them safe. Because the people you know are the ones you most have to guard against in this world, unfortunately. I know that all to well and I refuse to continue the chain of sexual destruction that was handed to me.
What am I supposed to do? Become asexual? Maybe. I guess.
Who’s business is it? If you aren’t planning on helping me then stay the fuck out of my business. Life isn’t a spectator sport. Go do something useful with yourself instead of hurting others with your superiority complexes.
Life is too short to give this much more credence. God. Holy Spirit. Divinity. Judges. God and I have our own dance right now and it’s between us alone.
This is me doing my best. I am not out trying to hurt anyone.
I am trying to heal something most people would say can’t be healed. But this is me trying my damnedest. I’m taking it at my pace. Doing things as I need for my own sanity. You can all judge away. Scorn me. Scorn Brad. I don’t own his behavior as much as he doesn’t own mine. We each walk our own paths in life. Grown ass adults. Why don’t people learn to behave? Why?
Stop throwing rocks out of your glass houses. Not one single person walking this earth is a pristine version of God. Not one.
I put myself up for scrutiny. This is true. So really. I get that. But the truth is the truth and people are so fond of lies and lying to themselves that the truth isn’t given any credence. Even when it’s hard to be so vulnerable and put it all out there as I have. Even as it hurts to feel what I feel and live what I live through.
This is me trying to make it in this God forsaken world. I’m still trying to figure out where I belong. But I definitely don’t belong back at that restaurant. That’s for sure.
I had the twins back yesterday. I adore them. I’m so jealous of their relationship with each other. It’s so sweet and tender. One told me she quit smoking with one hypnotherapy session. I was impressed. I’m going to contact Mary, the hypnotherapist I met recently. I briefly explained some of my issues to her before. She seemed to be saying that she can cure almost anything in 6 sessions.
Then I was talking to another client who cured himself from severe toxic exposure and is in great health at 71. He knows so much about holistic health. He is my absolute hero and I told him and in all seriousness he looks at me and says “you need to be your own hero” and without skipping a beat I said “I’m trying” and he responded “you’ll get there” and I haven’t heard more comforting words in a very long time.
Now granted that we were talking about physical health, but I just took that to mean my entire life.
I need to keep moving forward; championing for myself here. Trying to find the way to an enlightened and truly healthy paradigm. This isn’t easy for anyone, let alone someone in my position, already carrying so much weight on my shoulders. But I’m not asking for pity or condolences.
I’m simply asking that if people can’t offer acceptance and compassion that they just give me space. This is the best I got right now. I’m straddling many world’s and the inside battle is much harder than the outside ones, even though those aren’t exactly easy either.
I’m not trying to complain, but my life is already so hard the last thing I need is to be made to feel less than or evil. That’s how these things go. I have great expectations of people because people are capable of some miraculous things given the chance. I’ve seen this proved over and over. But box someone into a corner and they will either lash out or become that which you keep telling then they are, regardless of who they may be capable of being. Because you keep telling them that and eventually that is what they see too.
I refuse to be pigeonholed. I am who I decide to be. I’m not done yet. Stay tuned if you want or let me be.