Yesterday I was emotionally raw all day. What this means is that everything stings; good or bad and there is no indifferent. I try to isolate myself as much as possible on days like this. I am pretty sure the parasite cleanse had a part in it, but also just being tired, having a sick child at home, stress, the counseling session the other day and sadness about my relationship with Brad.
I even tried to steer clear of the kiddos to not be sad or testy with them. I tried to implode my emotions, or keep them under wraps. But then I had to venture into the great big world. I wanted to go to a new Meetup. Unfortunately they made the meeting point a huge local park that I am not very familiar with. They said there would be markers; flowers, a purple umbrella.
I drove around 30 minutes looking for this gathering after driving 50 minutes in heavy traffic to get there. There was one huge gathering that I could tell from how the people reacted when they saw me that “I didn’t belong there”. We all communicate so clearly with body language the subtleties we feel. And of course because I’m in a hyper-emotional state it also made me want to cry.
But I bit the bullet and walked up to the group of very white people to find out the reason I was obviously not belonging. Because it was a meeting group for Scandinavian people (or polish maybe, I don’t recall exactly), and so most obviously my color skin is not a commonality. So I could see then why the body language stipulated that very clearly.
Then I drove by another picnic table area and saw a mom with a child and even though we were at least 100 feet away from each other she waved at me. I was in a state of stupor. I lowered my window but froze. I didn’t know what to do. So I went and parked to try to walk over but it all seemed so convoluted by this point and I was frustrated and wondering why I even left my house in the first place.
I never found the Meetup. I went and got some much needed sundries and groceries and went home.
Buried my head under the covers early and called it a day.
I feel better today, not as raw. Just another day. Thankfully.