Discombobulated Still

I need to stop looking at the tragedies of the world. It isn’t helping me at all. It’s making me more depressed.

Women’s rights, racism, war, on and on……. so much of the world seems under attack.

I need to refocus. I can only do what I can do.


I don’t expect people to like or even understand me. I barely can figure myself out sometimes.

I’m trying to bring authenticity and compassion into this world. It is a difficult moment to moment challenge, never futile, but being a fallible human being it is not always possible either. Sometimes I fail miserably. But this is me trying.


I wish I could form a Meetup that just centered around feelings. Like a hug circle group, a crying circle group, a grief circle group. Every week a new emotion to embrace together. There is room for more solemn communion in this world. We need more connection and it isn’t always pretty, but if it can be authentic……. well…. that’s a good start.


I need to be held. I need to be fucked. I need to be replenished. I’m having a hard time finding that for myself right now. 😣😣😣


Author: porngirl3

I have always enjoyed reading and writing. Maybe because I have always been on the quiet and reclusive side; which most people may not guess at first glance or if seeing me in a social setting, especially around people I am comfortable with but it’s also not something I have an issue with. I need solitude to recharge. Writing gives me the peace and time to renew myself...here that is offered to you for your enjoyment and pleasure as well. I hope. Lol

11 thoughts on “Discombobulated Still”

  1. The Professional is an amazing film. Natalie Portman was 12 when she did that and deserved an Oscar in my opinion. Romeo is Bleeding is another film I love, Gary Oldman is in both, its why I mention it. I think Ive seen that film at least a dozen times. Not many people have ever even heard of it which is a shame.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. If there was a meetup that focused on a different emotion every week I would definitely join it. If anything it would be very interesting to be apart of because lately I keep getting told that im lacking emotions. Its the furthest thing from the truth though, i still get depressed, still have empatgy and still take enjoyment from things, its just that everyone around me just makes me absolutly numb. Everyone seems to be only about themselves and taking from everyone around them, but never giving back. Its frustrating. Im not real sure why i felt a need to vent in this comment, but….. Whatever…. Keep writing cuz as all over the place as your posts can sometimes be they are a refreshing change fron everything else I read on wordpress.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lol.

      All over the place. Yes. Yes they are.

      I’m sorry. I know what you mean though. Outside of this blog, my brood and work I don’t actually talk much, if at all. I myself probably come across as rude or unemotional as well. When it’s just that I’m pensive and quiet; simply preferring to be in my own head than to have shallow and meaningless conversations.

      And at work I spend the allotted time with my clients completely focused on them; on their needs and desires and troubles.

      So an outlet for emotions in a communal environment
      would be very beneficial for me, but I can’t honestly see a negative to it.

      You just keep being authentically you and you’ll eventually find people like you. It’s taken me a while but I’ve met some really phenomenal people these last few years. I’m not in a place where it’s easy to make friends because of my personal life but when I do meet them I recognize that this is a step in the right direction. That as I focus on my life and improving myself better people show up in it. Or maybe it’s just my awareness and gratitude. Not sure. Chicken/egg thing maybe.

      I was just wondering yesterday if I should consider shutting down my blog. I worry that the stupid things I say can come back to haunt me; not so much me but my children. I’m an adult. I accept the consequences. But these things sometimes worry me.

      Listen. Everyone is caught up in their own melodrama in life. But if I can find a few people to love that genuinely love me back (in a healthy way) and I can leave this world an ever so tiny bit better for having been born into it. Then I’ve won this battle. Cant take it all on. You know? So you gotta find what will win your battle in life, because we all have one to live. Don’t worry about how others live their lives. Just have compassion. Because that’s all anyone is doing. Trying to survive their lives.
      One day maybe we will move to a world where we are all thriving instead. But that doesn’t seem now.


      1. I dont think anything you say could possibly come back to haunt you, unless you talk about that time in Brazil where you took all that money from that cartel…. As long as you dont mention that you shouldnt worry about what you write.
        On a side note, people in general are a walking contradiction. Everyone seems to lay all their details out for the world to see yet they are all so closed off when it comes to personal interaction. I honestly can not recall the last actual person Ive met that I can say became a “friend” after meeting. Im stuck with friends from college that I met years back but even with them there is not much contact. Its sad that everyone is untrusting upon 1st meeting someone and it makes new connections nearly impossible. I have spent so much time devoted to raising my 2 kids that everything else flew out the window, especially social interaction.
        My god, how did you suddenly become my therapist? Sorry about that…. Just kinda get rambling and lose track of things….

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I completely agree. It is a sad truism.

          That’s why I like meetups so much. That’s why I think having passions and hobbies is good because it not only generally makes you social but it also automatically forms a connection between people. At least you have one thing. It’s something to start with.

          Even when I’ve wanted to form friendships or seen the desire in others things of circumstances always seem to hinder it.

          Friendship, true friendship implies vulnerability and openness. It’s something we seem as a culture to be moving away from. We are such isolationist now. Sparked by fear and reinforced by misunderstanding and cynicism. We are so busy and tired and not apt to really even try wholeheartedly.

          Friendship requires showing up for people and when we can barely show up for ourselves that just seems a lot to ask. Lol

          I appreciate your vote of confidence, but I’ve talked about

          Voting for Trump
          Bowel function
          Sexual escapades & deviancies
          On and on
          And I live on the outskirts of Portland
          Which unlike Republican suburban Orange County (swingers capital of the US) is fairly sleepy and conservative.

          I’m lucky most people here are very nice and/or keep to themselves. Either one is fine with me. Lol.

          I just wonder sometimes. I mean initially it did seem my a few of my neighbors were gunning for me. But I can’t live in fear. Whatever will happen will happen.

          It’s nice to know even if it’s just in the interspace of the world I have some allies and fans. It’s heartwarming.

          What are your passions in life?


          1. As cliche as it has become, I would say my love for movies is what im most passionate about. My father is a Producer so I was raised to know and love film. I hate regular television but absolutely will watch any type of film you throw at me. Right now even im on a Korean cinema kick(much to the dismay of my kids). My dteam would be to open a theater(grand style, balcony seats,) and play both new films and old, I wouldnt even care to make money, just as long as I could show what I wanted and hopefully get the films to reach a new audience.
            I enjoy writing obviously and currently I am working on a book titled “The Sin Compendium” which is basically an encyclopedia of all things sin related. Everything from diy’s to general knowledge, its overwhelming but fun to write. Plus I get to travel while writing it and meet some very interesting people so its got its perks.
            Im happiest though when Im with my kids. Flying kites, cooking dinner or just sitting around, they are my greatest enjoyment.
            I always feel so dorky telling people these things.

            Liked by 1 person

          2. No. It’s beautiful. Such great sentiment behind it all. Meaning. You’ve found meaning in a world few figure out what to do with themselves in and how to find happiness. You are way ahead of the curve. Depth and meaning. Kudos.

            That theater sounds amazing. I love old movies. Tell me some of your favorites.

            And I’d love to see a tiny snippet of your book. Sounds fascinating!!


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