This saga of the last four years has been treacherous. I have reached out to experts numerous times to try to get help that is difficult if not non-existent it seems.
I found a therapist I liked that specialized in pedophilia but she only sees perpetrators. I had to stalk her once to get her to talk to me. She recommended some counselors that see both or just victims. Of the five I called only one had openings or responded to me. This is a large metropolitan area. I honestly didn’t expect this issue. Although prior to four years ago I never even knew this specialty even existed truthfully.
I don’t dislike the counselor I was seeing up until yesterday. She is very nice and genuinely seemed to want to help, but it was quite obvious from the very start that she has much more sympathy for perpetrators than for victims. Now as you all know I absolutely hate seeing myself as a victim in the first place and I have a lot of sympathy for perpetrators. Not just because I have loved them, known far too many and understand they are just human; as fallible and complex as any other human is.
But at the point where seeing her is causing serious mental and emotional distress and she asks questions that somehow even allude to my being at fault for someone else’s actions. At the point she lets me walk out of her office a complete mess I have to reevaluate it. If I were a perpetrator I’m sure she would be great. But as a non-instigator I have to address the obvious elephant in the room.
I have Sylvia. I adore her. My life wouldn’t be where it was without her, but this other therapist knows her stuff. She asked the hard questions and shone a light on things I never knew where there; points of view I never saw. I need that, but I don’t need more guilt and to be left distraught and broken down with no support for my emotional health after the sessions.
So on a quest I go again. Like why is this so damn difficult? Why is this subject so very hard to tackle, in all realms? I just don’t get it. I am not alone. If anything this is a huge crowd I am in and yet I have never felt so all alone as in trying to deal with this issue.
It’s so unfair. It’s so isolating. It’s so painful and then to feel even more distressed because I feel like it’s something I can’t talk about. I have to hide it. I have to feel shame for something I did not do, for something that was done to me or to others. Fucking unfair shit this life can hand you. Can’t it?
