I am burning out. It’s not that I am physically tired, as I proved to myself yesterday with a full day of rigorous work and activities. It’s not emotional exhaustion because I am no longer on the brink of tears and vacillating on unstable ground that way. I feel ok emotionally. It’s mental and spiritual disruption, overwhelm and disquiet.
Mentally I just can’t figure things out and Tetris my life any better. I feel like I’ve done all I can with the variables given and this is it. A shut down and reboot may be in order because the chaos of everything has been far too challenging and I need a break. I need some downtime from these mental acrobatics of trying to keep my life on stable ground.
Spiritually I can’t seem to find my bearings. Any which way I look at it all is very confusing and stress inducing. Especially because I’m creating my own road map as I go and I haven’t found the ease yet.
When I heal people (or pray for them) I do so with deep intention and concentration. I have to ground myself and center myself or I literally start to stumble. My hands shake, my legs weaken, I start to lose the sense of where I am and of my body if I don’t stay put, so to say. And this requires a lot of energy and focus.
Then too if I heal people just by heppenstance that can feel anything from mild hand vibration and numbness all the way to physically taking on their symptoms and pain. So then I have to work on clearing myself from the energy I inadvertently took on and grounding myself.
I didn’t ask for this but I still am grateful and I don’t wish it away by any means but now I need more ease with it. Last month I decided I was going to take on a second day of prayer for the spirits lost in this world. So I chose the 7th. Since the 13th is superstitious to some people and the 7th is supposedly lucky. Neither of which I believe myself but still I also can’t disprove it. So just hedging my bets I guess. So I prayed on the 7th and then the 13 came around and I didn’t pray.
So I had a serious talk with the spirit world and told them that I can’t help anymore. I wish I could. I wish I could dedicate a whole day a month to prayer and reverence. But I can’t. I’m too tired. I can barely keep up as it is. Self care is almost negligible. My toes look horrible and summer is here. I love my toes looking pretty. I can walk out the house with my hair in a bun, no makeup and scruffy clothes but my toes and feet are my barometer for self care and they look pretty bad right now. 😣
I don’t know where this path is leading. I’m happy to be on it though because it is my own and I’ve accepted it for whatever it is; good, bad and beyond.
But right now, I’m praying for some ease. Please!