Something has stuck with me with the conversation I had with the client the other day about religious salvation. He had said that he had tried to be saved initially and it hadn’t took. It’s a funny thought but I get it. He hadn’t been ready. A person has to be ready to move beyond where they are to see new horizons. Most people prefer the known to the unknown, even if the known is literally killing them.
I extrapolated this to my relationship with Brad. I have tried to break off this relationship so many times and yet it doesn’t take. Now this relationship isn’t causing me harm*, if anything this relationship greatly benefits my life. But at the same time I know there is no future here. Not because I don’t want it, but because it has so many difficulties and issues I don’t think we will ever be able to resolve.
I was telling him my vision for a baseline stipend for every human being and he initially refused to even discuss it with me. He cited not wanting to anger me or start a fight, let alone give me reason to break up with him. Poor boi. I have him shell shocked.
Truthfully I’m just not ready to let him go. There is so much I adore about him. I don’t know that I ever don’t want him in my life. Once I love someone I love them eternally, even if they hurt me, I still love them. It’s a quirk I guess. Most people seem to be able to turn it off like a switch and I don’t seem to have that feature.
So we will see. Life is leading me in so many directions. I almost wish things were more clearly delineated for me. Like a yellow brick road. But I see so many fascinating things and people and experiences in the world and I just want to go wherever they lead. Which is liberating and scary and enriching in its own very beautiful ways.
So no clear path but lots of grand adventures. It is what it is. One day something will anchor me I’m sure. I guess we shall see what that thing or who that person will be. Right now I’m open to the possibilities of anything and everything. Yipee-kay-yay!! 🤠💖🥰🌈🦋💋🌺🌞🙏🏽😉
*Except for the retriggering of my trauma. But this was what I needed to see to help heal what I thought was long past and dealt with. That it was absolutely not fun, frightening, unsettling and very traumatic……well ….that’s what these things are. That’s not his fault.