Brad came to drop off my kayaks yesterday. Summer is here and that is one of our favorite family activities and it’s free. It involves sweat labor but it’s so worth it to be on the water.
We went to dinner and talked. We made out. He couldn’t get erect but he did help me orgasm. Which was nice since I haven’t been horny and he knows exactly what to say and do to arouse me.
He, of course, wanted to discuss our relationship but I didn’t want to argue*. So I just switched topics. I guess there is a benefit of him having ADHD after all; he is very easy to distract sometimes. Unless he is deeply engrossed in something, but that’s usually only if it’s a special project he is working on or something that is taking up all his mental capacity.
I finally did tell him that he doesn’t allow me to lead, the way I need to and he asked for an example I couldn’t produce right on the spot. However later on when we took small bean to get ice cream he wanted to buy her more sweets at the store and I put my foot down and he laughed and insisted he could. I sternly looked at him and said “see, this is what I mean”. I get that he wants to spoil her but when I say no it’s no, period.
Had he wanted to buy her a toy or book or something else it would have been fine but the tartlet didn’t need more sugar and I don’t feel the need to explain myself in front of her.
But then he offers to pay my water bill, and mow my lawn and fix my gate and take me to the beach again, and these are all things no one else is lining up to do. I can find a few willing subs probably but I don’t have the energy to invest into a new person right now.
Although it would be fun to get back into being dominant again. I think I could definitely use the rush. Hmmmmmmm……… food for thought. Except my standards are exceedingly high. I don’t stand for half-assery. The wrath of trying to get over on me or do things not to my standards would be unpleasant. Plus I am a very private person and I don’t like people in my house much.
So here is what I keep coming back to. Brad and I aren’t our happily ever afters, but I still feel like we are good for each other. I still feel we can augment each other’s lives. Like we both need each other right now.
We shall see. I made no promises and set up no expectations. I’m really trying to stay in “this has to work for me” mode.
I called my mother a few days ago. She has pneumonia. I did some energy work on her remotely. She then asks me yesterday to do more remote healing and to research some natural health products for her immune system. This is the very first time she has reached out to me instead of me offering. That really felt good. Knowing my mother this was more than likely motivated by her own desire than to try to boost my self-esteem. But I’ll take it.
My dad has always pretty much left me alone and accepted me as I am, while still enjoying pointing out my flaws of course. My mother’s acceptance has always been harder to achieve. Her standards have always been ridiculous and frankly I stopped trying decades ago to be the daughter she expected me to be. So this is an interesting and all knew experience. Lol
*An argument definitely would have ensued had I brought up making love, him not being caged, his emotional immaturity, my trust issues with him, and so on and so forth.