I try to never say that to people. If people say it to me I agree because well…yeah…… obviously. But its a sucky thing to say and it’s a worse motto to live by. Why is that suppose to be any kind of consolation? Yes. It can always be worse. Always. And I’m not even stopping at death being the ultimate worse part. I can even go beyond that.
But that isn’t the kind of world I want to live in. I want to focus on “how can it be better?”. What can I do, right here, right now, in any small way whatsoever to make it better; for me, for those I love, for the world. I want to change my perspective. Although right this second that seems a monumental ask.
I have had a shitty 4 years. I mean yes I’ve grown as a person (somewhat) and I’ve had some great experiences but I also lost somethings I held very dear and have had so many heavy burdens placed on me that I have had to learn to shoulder alone. And it’s not that it hasn’t been fair, because I don’t quantify my life that way, but its been extraordinarily hard and I have faltered and fallen so many times through this journey.
And some days like today I don’t feel equipped to do this life thing at all. I feel so adrift; so lost and alone. And on days like this when I feel like I am my own worst enemy…. when I feel lower than low…….it is absolutely no consolation that things could be worse.
Right now, I just want the strength to get through this. I know this will pass and whatever is meant to be will be. I just can’t stear the boat right now. I’m too busy puking off the side just trying to get my bearings. I hope I can figure this out soon though and we can make it to land. I’ve got three little souls of prescious cargo here.
So God, Angels, divinity, source? Can you please help me and take over for a little bit? These tears streaming down my face make it really hard to see right now anyway.