I took a heavy dose of CBD/THC last night hoping to relax and wake up refreshed. I woke up tight still in my shoulders and angry. Every other thought was one of stress or anger. I had to keep redirecting myself. I was thinking maybe it had to do with Brad and the dissolution of that relationship.
I slapped on my pajamas and went to get donuts first thing. On the way “I will follow you into the dark” played and tears streamed down my face. It is not just about Brad. It’s about love. It’s about going in and it not working out. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to find love when I started dating again after getting divorced and to find it twice, in different ways, bringing up different experiences I suppose can be seen as a good thing. But it is also scary to know that part of the problem is me.
Part of the problem is very deep psyche stuff that predisposes me to my preferences and that’s a hard pill to swallow. Because I want to be deeply attracted to who I am with but I also want to know that my heart is safe, my goals, ideals and dreams respected and my spirit treasured as well. I want to know beyond any doubt that the relationship is a healthy and good one for me and everything and everyone in my life.
I’ve had the interesting occurrence of being nervous with two clients recently; one male and one female. I found them both mesmerizing and I found myself over thinking everything I said and did to the point I had trouble formulating my words correctly. I don’t normally get that way so it was so intriguing to see myself like this and then to try and suppress it.
At work I am the consummate professional, at absolutely all times. That’s the mind set I take on and I don’t deviate from that ever (at work). Except to cry a little with them or lecture them a tiny little bit when they need some mothering. Like when they know they should have a doctor or naturopath working with them.
In both the cases where I felt a twinge of desire I of course did and said nothing. It was just nice to feel that slightly flush feeling and feel my heart race a little. I was thinking last night that I was glad I gained these 20lbs with Brad so I would have a timeframe in my own head for when to start dating again. But does life ever work that way?
It’s all so confusing and the disappointment is so real. I just have to focus on me. Focus on where I need to be. But I can’t help that underneath all this bravado and determination is still just a flesh and blood woman that wants to be in love. I really can’t help that at all. 🤷🏾♀️
Busy day today. I have kimonos to get up on eBay for my client and then a colonic client tonight. Then an easier week ahead. So hopefully I can play catch-up a bit and get my summer plans organized. Garage sale. See if my mom is going to come down to ask for that time off. See if my ex will be taking the kiddos anywhere. Stuff like that.