I masturbated today simply because I had the time and I wanted a boost of serotonin. I wasn’t actually horny at all. Now my mind is very active and my dreamscapes are so vivid and real that in no time I was able to achieve the goal. Ding ding.
I’m going to try and be celibate though. We shall see how long that lasts. The problem is that sex is a coping skill I’ve had for a very long time. Let’s see. Sex: 31 years as a coping skills. Food: as long as I can remember. Let’s say 36 years just to put a time frame on it. Alcohol: 32 years. Gambling: 28 years.
I’ve had some good coping skills to. Exercise: 21 years. Meditation/yoga: 2 years. Self help books: 30 years.
I need to expand on my positive coping skills and build more. This will not happen overnight but I’ve got to start. Like I told my client today when she said she takes a step forward and does something positive for herself and then always takes a step back. And I reminded her how awesome it was that she took that step and kept trying and I was super proud of her for coming in and taking care of herself.
(Sylvia always reminds me to voice my positive thoughts and ideas. I do try. But even with my words I’m generally a less is more person so it can sometimes be a struggle for me to find them. The thoughts and emotions are there but they reside in a pleasant little cozy nook within myself and I forget people like to hear these things out loud. Lol)
But the main reason I believe celibacy will be difficult is that I am a highly tactile person. I crave being touched deeply. Even when I know sex outside of a relationship never yields an orgasm or intimate satisfaction I crave the desire and touch to the point where I feel like an addict. It takes a few months to get to that point but it always comes around.
I guess I have two months to figure out healthy ways to stave that off, or healthy ways to give in to it. A lover isn’t out of the question but…… it’s also not a priority. I’m just going to take things as they come. For now the kids are out of school next week and I plan on getting up early to hit the gym daily before they wake up. Get myself on a routine. I love routines. Boring maybe but very comforting also.
Back to the basics for me. Needing to learn things I should have been taught at some point and never was.
Self advocating. Self care. Self love. Self prioritizing.
The things we take for granted in life. 🤷🏾♀️