My self esteem is dormant right now. I’m definitely still struggling.
My time with Brad over the weekend was nice. We didn’t do much but lay in bed, talk, laugh, watch movies and fuck and we also ventured out to eat and stopped at a garage sale. We didn’t argue once.
Last night as we were talking over the phone he mentions play partners and the time frame for that and I say “let’s table that until we make love” and he says to me (rather upset) “we laid in bed and cuddled and talked and touched all day and I gave you all the emotion I have to give. I can’t give anymore. If that’s not making love then it’s not going to happen.” To which I hastily reply “Fine, I won’t talk about making love anymore and you won’t talk about play partners.”
Shooting myself in the foot in the process of course but whatever, fine…. making love is absolutely mandatory for me in an intimate relationship and if he refuses to look at it any further what is left to say? It enrages me a little honestly but I’m not wanting to think about that or our relationship any further today. For now I’m just going to let it go. I don’t know that we really have a long term future together so why spoil the time we do have. Maybe I’ll relax my stance or maybe not. We will see.
He promised not to bring it up though…. and right now I give him two weeks tops before it comes up again. He is allowed to go get his own MALE play partners, this much he knows. Whether he does that or not is totally up to him. I know he likes my direction and having me there in situations that are new to him in this realm but……. I’m busy and I’ve got my plates full right now.
I’ve been wondering really what the heck is going on with my business? I was starting to think it was me maybe. That maybe I wasn’t as good as I thought I was and that maybe all this time and energy was wasted. But I’ve had people ask for me by name already with Jill and her clients make me feel so appreciated. Don’t get me wrong, I love my own clients but how is it that in less than 2 months I’ve already created my own clients with Jill. It’s very bittersweet.
I love what I do and I enjoy working there and meeting a much more diverse roster, but with 4 clients at my place I make the equivalent of 2 days of work there; not to mention the drive and extra stress of so many more personal interactions. I’m so thankful to her for this opportunity though. I think it’s a win for both of us but I’m also glad this has a finite timeframe.
I like my own space and I am very germaphobic and not having things set up the way I like and to my standards is very stressful to me. She is great though and has told me to incorporate my own necessities, but it’s also her business and her space. I can’t very well say, “please rip out the carpet it disgusts me”. That would just be awkward. She truly is so wonderful and has a great practice and I’m absolutely not trying to be a spoiled brat here.
I don’t understand why I’m going through what I’m going through, but I know life isn’t based on merit, fairness or equality. So all I can do to get through this is to focus on the now. It’s the only opportunity I will give myself to find happiness. I can’t dwell on the past or worry about the future. I only have the now to help me find peace.
Even if whatever I need to do or focus on in the present isn’t exactly fun at least I can understand that there is always something present to find joy in if I look hard enough and then remind myself everything passes. We aren’t usually priveledged to the why. I’ve said this a hundred times. So I’ve just got to accept that there is a reason for what is happening and let it be.
Today I have Xfinity coming to do some repairs, then errands and my eBay clients items. I also need to work up some paperwork, send out a check and remit my application for leniency to the IRS. Once that is done I can start working on my other projects. I want to do an enema class.
There is a bit of a learning curve there and I’d rather people have correct information and proper use techniques from me than scouting the internet for it. It’s almost like a lost art. It can be used for so many ailments, remedies and relief, but it can definitely be done wrong and that’s a frightening thought to me. So if I can help and know how to help then that is what must be done and truthfully I’m happy to do it.
Then I want to write a letter to all the local gastroenterologist who honestly seem to have absolutely no idea what my field is about. Even my own gastroenterologist eyes glossed over when I tried explaining our methodology and he was the one to ask. Ugh. 🙄 They don’t seem to know how we should be working in unison. I have clients that straight out lie to their gastro and come in for colonics instead of that horrid liquid purge before colonoscopy’s. I have clients that don’t get clean enough even following that protocol to the letter and need to augment with colonics.
I also have clients I send directly to their own gastroenterologist. I am a huge advocate for colonoscopy’s only because there isn’t a better method currently to see some of the issues that this picks up and I routinely ask my clients about them, especially if they are of the age to be having them. This is NOT suppose to be an adversarial situation. Why is western medicine so fucking closed off that way sometimes? It just infuriates me. Like aren’t we all just trying to help people? Jeezus.
Yep. That’s it. Maybe now that summer is almost here I can get onto a workout schedule the kids don’t mind and of course we can all be more active now too. The weather is better, the days are longer, there is more time in our day to get out and do things. I love summer. Reminds me I need to pull the portable A/C unit out of the garage and check it for mildew/mold, clean it out and get it ready.
But right now breakfast. I’d love to go eat it outside but this is my jungle situation now. You can’t probably tell but the grass is 3 feet tall. That’s gonna be a fun project! Lol
Enjoy yourselves! 🙏🏽💋🥰🌈🔆😉💖