I had two clients yesterday that told me about their near death experiences. In the second case I also told her about my experience as well, although I was asleep and I don’t think I was anywhere near death, even though people obviously do die in their sleep. The experiences are all different but the sentiment of “heaven” is exactly the same. The peace felt and the anger and/or complete disorientation of being brought back is also a commonality. Especially in her case when she was brought back to so much pain and hardship. We cried a lot together or rather actually…. I think I did most of the tearing up.
I asked her how she had the strength and how she got over being angry while still suffering so much physically. She said that she realized that she was of service in this life and that made all the difference to her. This has been coming up recently. This thought of being of service in life. While I agree with it to great extent part of me is like “why?” and even worse part of me is like “why me?”.
I didn’t want all this difficulty in life and while it’s a semi-comforting thought to think it IS all for good reason and it does all have purpose and that my actions and what I put out into the world (maybe does) make a difference. Does it make up for the pain endured? Does it?
I’m wrestling with that one a bit. I just want to be authentically myself. If that means that while doing this I can be a positive example and/or I can provide love, healing, hope, support, kindness to the world and make a difference then great. Right? I don’t have a clear vision for my future and unlike her I haven’t dedicated my life to service. Maybe I will. Maybe I won’t.
Truth be told for a good portion of my youth when I had sex I considered it in service. I never got paid. But I understood and knew these men and boys wanted and needed connection and release and touch and the fact that they were “using me” for that was a point of pride in a very warped way. I don’t think I feel that way anymore sexually. I’m much more selfish with my body and time now. It’s about me and what I want and need.
That’s been what I’ve been striving to achieve lately. The recognition that I am allowed to seek what I truly want in life and I’m not quite there yet. I’m not even sure what that is or what that looks like. I’m 46 and feel just as clueless about my future as if I was that anxious, angry, scared and depressed 15 year old again.
This is just a chapter. A simple small chapter of my life. I’m the witness and participant of my own life. I worry about the balance of humility and determination. I don’t want to lose myself. The self I’ve grown to love and be proud of, to have compassion for, and allow to be flawed.
There is a beautiful song by the late singer Juan Gabriel that I love called “Buenos Dias Senior” and it talks about being thankful for life, for living, for the sun, for God, waking up every day grateful and at peace/happy. The only line in the song I change in my mind is when he says “every day I try to be better” and in my head I change it to “every day I try to be who I am”*. Being better seems way too much pressure to me, where being authentically myself, which I equate to being vulnerable and listening to my heart, is more than enough. And it always will. Won’t it? Hopefully!! Lol
Today I have big plans of making Brad squeal like a pig under me in pleasure and pain. I told him his safe word is off the table. Te he he. I’m so excited.
* The real lines that I switch are
“hoy como otros dias yo seguire tratando ser mejor y sonriendo hare las cosas con amor”
And I change it to
“hoy como otros dias yo seguire tratando ser quien soy….”
if anyone was interested. 😝