I am where I need to be and I’m going through what I need to go through. I have to trust that this is a process and there is a reason. Even if I can’t see where this is going.
In my house, with my business, isolated in my little city I see and interact with very few people and talk to even less. Between the clients, workers and other patients at the clinic I have an abundance of interpersonal exchanges. Ones I am not sure I would have in my own studio.
For one because I am on the outskirts of Portland and with traffic being what it is here people are generally not very anxious to drive to the burbs. And where I am is not exactly known as the epicenter for health. Not much noteworthy or exceptional ever happens around here and I think the natives like it that way, me included.
Today I saw some interesting people. My second client of the day and I cried together as she shared her sexual trauma history with me. She told me that she felt as if something truly magical happened in our session. That made me smile. My second to last client was a black transvestite. She was fierce in a beautiful way. I was a bit jealous of her. Not because her life is as easy as she was trying to portray but because she seemed effortlessly strong.
You take that unapologetic male psyche and mash it into a feminine body and you get a mixture that is potently beautiful. I just adored her for it. As she sashayed away I couldn’t help but envy that level of confidence. She seemed so happy too. I can’t imagine things are as easy as she claims but I’m happy for her none the less and who knows, the possibility exists….. doesn’t it? Not trying to rule it out. It would be a nice thought to think she really could be that happy and carefree.
The last client was so sweet. We discussed the Gerson Therapy. She was amazed that I took it on alone. I suppose it’s somewhat noteworthy. At the time I felt that was my only real option. I felt like I was dying. I was in such a drastic state. I was not about to let an MD treat me like a guinea pig for something they still don’t quite understand, and truthfully given all I know now I am not even sure it was chronic fatigue to begin with.
I also learned about neuroplasticity and limbic training from another client. I ordered a CD and a workbook. Real books are still far off in my future but audio and workbooks are something I can pencil in here and there when I find free moments of time. We shall see. If this works as well as I’ve heard it would really be awesome, but I don’t think it’s a cure all. Just one more tool in the toolbox for greater quality of life, overall health and well-being and control over things that currently now seem uncontrollable.
Then to top that all off another client of the clinics was talking about a workshop this weekend on female healers and historic modalities of healing and I got the info for it. I’m super excited.
I didn’t purposely heal anyone today. It’s not something I plan on doing at Jill’s studio ever. It just isn’t. Yet I know I did some healing because my upper back was hurting. I know it wasn’t work related because that tends to hurt my lower back but that felt fine. Plus my shoulders were aching, which is a new thing I’ve noticed lately, ever since the cancer patient really…. now that I think of it. I have no explanation except that my shoulders hurt so much after I worked with her that I couldn’t wear a bra for two days, not even my comfy sports bras. But I actually enjoyed not wearing one. Even though my tits were dragging to the floor practically. 🤣 Still felt good.
This is all really boring, isn’t it? Brad’s flight got cancelled again. He wanted to call and walk me through an orgasm tonight and for the first time I said no. I don’t want to. I’m not in the mood. His last text told me how much he wants to fuck me. Wonderful. Glad to hear. That’s a good sentiment. But all I could think of was….. are we ever going to make love?
I’m going to try and put myself into a parasympathetic trance before bed. I think what I’m sensing; what is coming up for me…..is that I need to heal myself. I need to put the skills I’ve learned to the test. It’s just that I’m not particularly fond of any of the modalities in my arsenal so far. So I need to figure out my own thing. I need to get myself to where I want to be. I need to feel it’s possible.
That which I am seeking is seeking me too. I just need to remember what that is exactly. I need to be clear and focused. I need to be present within myself, for myself, as myself. I am here to be me in all that this entails; authentically me. Like it or not. Unapologetically. Fierce. I’ll get there….again… only this time….this time the right way. Fierce love, fierce compassion, fierce acceptance, fierce truth, fierce strength. Let it be so God. Please let it be so. 🙏🏽