That’s the name of the first song that came up on my audio playlist today. The song has no discernable words, speaking in tongues I think, which makes it even more appropriate. I’m still stupidly struggling. Muddling through.
I know logically how to process this. I know what I could be doing to help myself. It’s all out the window though. I’m not ready. I just can’t. I’m wallowing in it all…. not purposefully. I feel like one of those medi-alert commercials, where I’ve fallen and I just can’t get myself up.
All the words that are said to help (while I am grateful for them) all fall meaninglessly to the floor beside me. They only serve to taunt me further. This is about the point in my life before where I would have run away or pushed everyone out. But there isn’t anyone to really push out these days and there is nowhere to go to. I haven’t let anyone in in years. Not since this whole thing started 4 years ago. When I thought no one would understand.
You’d think now knowing people not only understand but have experienced this themselves should make it easier, but it doesn’t. Sylvia says to me yesterday “if this were happening to anyone else you would offer them acceptance, compassion and comfort, wouldn’t you?” and I agreed wholeheartedly. “You don’t need to feel this guilt” and I nodded and tried to let it sink in.
Even just talking about it with her was producing horrendously high levels of anxiety in my entire body and all I could think of was gambling. So as soon as I left there I took myself right across the street to the bar and got plastered. Alcohol, sex, gambling, food. Check, check, check, check. Yep. All my coping mechanisms still in place. Pathetic. I can’t find my bearings at all.
Luckily even though I woke up in misery I am feeling ok. Now I get to go help 5 of Jill’s clients. This will take my mind off things. Then I have an hour between getting off work and picking up Brad from the airport. The man that hung up on me last night in complete disappointment and anger after he was finally able to get ahold of me and could hear how drunk I was.
I’m definitely not winning any awards right now in life….. This is me in all my glorious disaster. Take a seat, grab some popcorn, let’s see how this ends, shall we?