She reaches for her phone. Messages she has ignored. People she hasn’t called. Isolating herself. What is she seeking? Peace of mind? Love and self acceptance? Ease?
She’s so lightheaded and tired. No matter how much she sleeps it doesn’t seem to be enough. The weight of it all is exhausting. She wishes he would come…..a night in shining armor and take her away from all this pain and hard work. But what she most needs to heal is deep inside and no one can do that for her. She knows this.
She’s just so exhausted. It’s not futile. She also knows that much. But the things that resounded so loudly in herself as truths no longer resonate. They seem like far off realities for other people to enjoy. The things that grounded her only seem to mock her now. The things she revered only serve as markers for where she used to be. How she used to feel.
She knows this time if she makes it back it will be with no demons trailing behind trying to trip her up again. She knows if she can get up this time it will be by slaying those skeletons once and for all. But, it all seems so far away. The her she once was. On the outside it’s all exactly the same but on the inside the shift has been so dramatic, so monumental, so catastrophic that she can barely catch her breath sometimes.
She has to keep believing it’s possible. She has to keep believing she is worthy. She has to keep believing that this is all for a bigger purpose and that the suffering alone isn’t the goal. Because she is suffering so much it’s almost unbearable…. and yet she bares it. She goes on. Not triumphant but solemn and timid. So completely unsure of her grounding. She has always risen before. She has always endured and succeeded. This can’t be where it all falls apart. This won’t be that. She’s just got to trust. She’s just got to believe. She’s got to have more faith than she’s ever needed.
This will be her Everest. Maybe she just needs to find a few good Sherpas to help her along the way or maybe she just needs to go take a nap.