Feeling very fragmented still.
I know how easily a nefarious Dom could have made me into a total and complete slave…..but I also know I would have never allowed it to happen. I only inadvertently allowed myself to capsize because I have so much trust in Brad, but him being an inexperienced dominant and lacking in foresight and emotional maturity has no idea how to rebuild me. Which I understand. He gets back tomorrow and I don’t know how things will go.
I should know. I get to determine. I can call this…..but I just can’t right now. I can’t say if it’s fear or love or feeling extraordinarily vulnerable or a combination thereof. Part of me knows that I crave going deeper still and I know he can fulfil that for me. Yet…..I also know that I should stop playing with fire.
I’m so painfully tethered to the dark and the light right now. I remember at the Buddhist retreat I went to, on one of the last days, we all sat down with the Zen Master herself Cheri Huber and discussed our take on the retreat. I told her in tears how clearly I felt that I was holding one hand with good and one hand with evil and she admonished me harshly. She said something to the affect of turning away from the dark. Of not giving it attention and that we were not a conduit between them and without further explanation I didn’t really understand why she would say this. It felt wrong to me.
Buddhism is strange in that it embraces wholeness while seeking righteousness. But it’s simply not possible to escape suffering and tribulations, as Buddha himself stated. One can accept them but it doesn’t negate where they stem from to ignore that facet of it. It only helps produce peace of mind.
But I want my peace of mind to be from an acknowledgement that there is indeed good and evil in this world. The acceptance that we all have our crosses to bear and our hills to climb and even if one walks towards the light doesn’t negate that the dark exists. If anything it actually reinforces it. I thought I had this all mostly figured out for myself and it’s interesting that fate keeps pulling me back into this battle.
I suppose one can not while alive escape the inescapable matter of choice. Who do we choose to be when faced with our demons? Who do we choose to be when faced with extreme adversity? Who do we choose to be when our very soul is on the line?
Life is fascinating…….. isn’t it?
Memorial day is always a bit solemn for me. It’s a day to commemorate those who gave the ultimate sacrifice for “the greater good/freedom”. I hate war. I hate that we send children to fight dubious battles. I hate that most government officials and people making these calls don’t have any skin in the game. Their children and grandchildren aren’t the ones on the front lines.
I hate that we don’t truly support these brave men and women when they come back broken and sick. I absolutely hate almost everything about the military, except for the people involved. I have so much compassion for the veterans and military personnel that have been in the trenches and endured what they have endured. Do I think we live in a world where this is a necessity? IDK. That doesn’t seem to be a decision I have any input into either way….so why argue about it.
God bless and stand behind the righteous soldiers. This I truly mean, but I can still hate the wars.