When is first started writing this blog I had no idea I would end up where I am now. That the world of BDSM and deviancy would bring me here.
I thought I knew who I was. I thought I knew what I wanted and needed. Then……. it all fell apart. Now……. slowly I must restructure myself purposely. The good thing, the hard thing, doing it healthily: boundaries, good coping skills, finding what I truly need, not settling for things that are unsatisfactory, but advocating for myself and standing strong with the things are are truly important to me: my body, my freedom, my ambitions and desires and most importantly… my sense of self and worth. Never letting anyone of anything take that away from me.
Now comes the hard work of building that back up.
I woke up thinking about a 24/7 Master/slave thing. (With me as Master of course.) The thought absolutely enthralls me. That’s the level of devotion I want now. That’s the dynamic I need. I want protocols, rituals, punishments, denial, cages (at least the cock kind). The thought of building myself up towards this goal is one that makes me drool and smile rather devilishly. It’s one I know I would be good at and thrive in.
I don’t expect everyone to understand or agree or want this sort of thing. I only expect one person to understand…..just one. But I’m not there yet. I have a lot to work on for myself. I have wrongs to right….in my own brain first. I have to align my life to be closer to who I need to be to have a healthier and better mental/emotional/spiritual balance. Stronger!! This is my time to focus on me.
What that means and how that presents is also completely up to me, fortunately. I am excited. No longer terrified. No longer in doubt of myself and my capabilities. I lost my strength there for a second. I was so heavily sucked back into pain that I lost all my bearings for a minute. But today……I see a glimmer of light and that’s all I needed. I needed to find my way again.
It’s a no device day. Cleaning and music. That’s it. So….I hope you all have a great Sunday. Maybe the sun will pop up for a bit today. That would be nice.