I did try to not masturbate……for like an hour. I laid in bed and tried to quiet my mind. I was relaxed and tired but couldn’t fall asleep. So I caved. I brought out my toy and said to God…..”alright I haven’t been able to cum thinking of you (yet), but tell me what I can cum to that won’t leave me in a tailspin” and slowly I ventured my way back to Brad and his adult niece. She is very pretty and I know it will never happen in real life. And in my head it was just a fantasy. A very taboo one but still absolutely not real.
I came, flipped over and went right to sleep. Masturbating is definitely still my cure all. But I have not watched nor do I intend to watch porn. I even disabled the ability on my phone just as a small stop gate and I refuse to watch it on my computer because the kids use it and that’s reason enough for me. So I’m happy about that win.
I called my mom yesterday to check in on her. She had this risky surgery for her life long acid reflux issue (wonder if that skips a generation). She isn’t doing great but she is muscling through. She’s not at the age she should even be doing such unnecessary procedures but I can see this is where I get my own stubbornness. 🙄
If I didn’t know how absolutely bullheaded she can be I’d be more worried about her because she isn’t recuperating as well as she should be yet. We shall see. I’m not willing to think of the alternatives, especially because she isn’t either.
Then she asks about me. She insists again that I should think of switching sides. It’s quite a coincidence because I was looking at possibly going to a lesbian nightclub to dance this weekend. I haven’t danced in a long time and I have only ever been to one lesbian club, and I didn’t go alone that time, but I can imagine that I won’t feel self-conscious dancing alone at one.
I have no idea what to expect honestly. Just thinking about it actually makes me very anxious. Do I invite someone to go with me or do I just suck it up and see who I meet on my own? Then what? Will I look like fresh bait? Or do I give off the “I love men” vibe too much? I don’t want to pretend to be something or someone I’m not either. But I’m up for exploration…..never at anyone’s expense of course. Can everyone sense how confusing this is for me?
Men and sex I think I clearly understand every variable of that dynamic but women and sex is a whole new ballpark. Quite literally. It is my wonder and hope that I do find someone that attracts me because I haven’t felt sexually attracted to a woman (besides Ivy) in decades and that wasn’t a very serious thing.
Brad sometimes asks why I let Ivy go. It’s hard to explain exactly but she is very young and I knew because of circumstances that it would only be play and that I couldn’t really invest in her like she needed and while she loves play and sex…. I didn’t want to just use her the way she has been used her entire life; even if she is fine with it and enjoys it. I just couldn’t be that person.
Sooooooo….what exactly would this be then? I honestly don’t know, but I guess if I don’t chicken out we shall find out. Lol
Happy Friday!!! 🙂💖🌈🙏🏽💋