I’m missing Brad. I realize how much I want to tell him during the day and I’m realizing how much of it isn’t sexual. Like….sex is our thing. We are both fiends that way, but that week that Sylvia said “no phone sex” which meant zero conversations at all about it made us connect even more….. (except for that “nigger” conversation 🙄)…. up until we relapsed. And I wish I could say it’s all him but I would be lying.
But I want to text him. I want to send him funny memes. I want to see what he had for dinner and how he slept. It seems silly maybe. Like I don’t have enough to think about, but trying to stay away from all contact while on some levels it provides relief (knowing he won’t trigger me or stress me out) on another just leaves a hole in my life. He is after all my friend also, not just my lover.
I just don’t know that we have a future together as a couple, for several reasons. But does that mean I want him out of my life? No, it doesn’t. I’m just not sure what it means. I think even though I’m picking him up at the airport next week that maybe we should continue this no contact thing until I see the specialist again.
Maybe….. I say maybe because with some things I don’t seem to have a lot of restraint and sex with Brad is definitely one of those things.
But my mind does feel a bit clearer than it has in weeks.
Slowly….slowly…..I’ll get through this. I know I will. I just don’t know where that will leave us, as a couple, when it’s all said and done. I guess we shall see. Ultimately it’s up to me right. I just can’t see that clearly yet. But I do miss him.