I can’t keep dwelling on this issue. It’s counterproductive. Especially because this particular mixture of guilt, shame, fear and self-loathing is ghastly. I know I’ll get to the root of this and realign myself. I just don’t have all the tools for that right now. So I need to get out of my own head and stop making things worse by obsessing about it. Staying away from masturbating has actually been helping, but that’s a new stance for me. Never in my life have I ever purposely not masturbated.
Masturbation is usually my cure all, but right now it only adds to the confusion in my brain….so it’s better to abstain (as much as possible) BUT it also still does provide much needed seretonins and endorphins and without an aggressive workout schedule or drugs to aid me I can only go so long before a more serious depression sets in.
But…..I’m so sick of thinking and talking about this. Fortunately or unfortunately I have a lot to do today and I’m also very tired. The tot had me up in the middle of the night with a toothache. She has been needing a crown on her back molar. Between her reflux, genetic disorder (weak teeth is one of the symptoms) and typical kids diet her teeth are not great. Anyway, some drops of essential clove oil mixed with coconut oil on a q-tip and she got much needed relief but neither one of us slept well after that.
I have back to back clients all day today. One new client just called me yesterday and shared with me her own trauma and sexual abuse and it so closely mirrored my own that I cried as she talked over the phone about it. She said she wanted to break the cycle and clearer words could not have been said. I wish it were as easy as just getting colonics but that is a great adjunct to therapy and self-healing. And she will be the first client to come in expressly for trauma, and while many of my colleagues have told me various stories about rape and sexual trauma clients I hadn’t had this happen to me yet.
Of course many of my clients have had sexual trauma that I can see pretty clearly but it isn’t something I bring up. People need to deal with that recovery in their own timeframe. I just know how much digestion is affected by trauma and how much emotion we keep locked in our gut and it’s a great way to start clearing that out, in both a literal and figurative way.
So I am excited about this even if it will be a very emotional journey for me as well. These things align and happen for a reason. I will honor that with deep gratitude that the universe is telling me this is indeed where I need to be. This journey no matter how hard is one I had to be on and now I see why….to heal and to help others. And while it doesn’t make it any easier or less painful it at least gives it purpose and that ain’t nothing.
I will find the beauty in this life. I will find peace. I will find love and acceptance and healing….. and hopefully it will have a positive ripple effect. I mean that’s the hope.
Walking through the pain is the best way to get completely out of it sometimes. So here we go……. and at least I don’t have to do it alone and neither do my clients. There is a lovely beauty to sharing that pain and hopefully a deep healing for us all. Each and every one of us…..at some level, benefits from the healing of just one. I truly believe that.