I’m feeling so scared. I’m feeling so vulnerable. I’m feeling so much like that that little girl from years ago. I don’t want to feel this way. I blocked out so much of that time period. I’ve worked on this for so many years now already, too. I can’t believe how hurt I feel right now. How much it really still effects me. I thought I was getting better. I thought I was getting stronger…. and maybe in some ways I was.
Maybe I had to get there to even be able to handle this here now. I just never in a million years saw this coming. I didn’t know how heavily I could be retriggered back to feeling like this again. And I’ve retreated deep into myself again. But the pain makes me feel so raw. I’m just so very glad I have clients all week to keep me busy and put my mind on to something and someone else.
I will get through this, it’s just that I need to build those skills again. I guess this is my chance to build healthy coping skills instead of the unhealthy ones I have had in the past; namely alcohol, gambling, binge eating and sex. This is the time to really once and for all heal so I don’t have to keep fearing these demons inside. The ones that tell me: I’m the problem, I’m the monster, I deserve this, I must have done something really wrong.
I just need to find a way through this. Luckily I’m not that little girl anymore. I can decipher right from wrong much better now. I don’t have to take it all on alone. There are professionals. There are people who have walked through this same fire. Maybe I should join a survivor of abuse group. I need to stop isolating myself. I need to stop thinking I have to do this on my own. I don’t. That was the little girls thinking of so long ago….who didn’t know any better. Now…I do. I can advocate for myself.
Now is the time to get this all out into the sun, out into the light, once and for all to heal.
Please forgive me
I love you
I’m also glad I have people around me to remind me that I can be strong just by their love, kindness, words and presence.
I can do this! I’ve got to do this. I’m not giving myself any other options. Or like I told Sylvia a few months ago before any of this even came about. “Once my life completely settles down, however long that takes….then I’ll pencil in a week long nervous breakdown”. Preferably in some tropical destination, or even a spa or spiritual health retreat. Something!! Lol
I definitely don’t see the way out yet, but I have faith….. I have faith God (spirit/divinity) will get me through this. I truly do believe. This time around I want to make sure and dig into all the cubbies and clear out all the cobwebs and get it all dealt with so I can really leave it behind. It is what happened to me but it doesn’t have to define me and my entire life. I decide what defines me. Don’t I? By my actions, my heart, my spirit, the energy I bring into the world…. and by healing myself I bring that healing into existence and I hope also by doing that….that maybe it ripples some goodness out into the universe.
Because we all have something to heal. 🙏🏽💖🌈💋