That’s the goal. That’s the desire. That each moment of my life I can have enough clarity and be living deeply entrenched in the reality of that exact experience that expectations and fears don’t color it. That I am free to respond to whatever is happening with fresh eyes and an open heart. But….. that requires a level of being that is not often possible or at the very least somewhat difficult.
Today I engaged in a not very positive way with someone. I have no idea why they took their anger or boredom out on me and my blog. I don’t even know if it was a real exchange. I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. But I was busy and I let them distract me and then fluster and ever anger me and I reacted instead of acted. I make no excuses for myself except to say I’m human and I should have known better than to engage.
It started out with my trying to help but soon escalated into verbal diarrhea on both of our parts. I should not have let myself be goaded like that. But it did make me reevaluate some deep thoughts around my latest sexual escapades and play.
Tomorrow I see a therapist that specializes in pedophilia and sexual deviancy. She works with both victims and victim-makers. I refuse to be either. I am simply going to make sure I don’t fall into risky behavior. And also to make sure I no longer feel drawn to my subconscious desire to right a wrong that simply can’t be rewritten.
I’m thinking hypnosis may be my next bet but…… I don’t know. Self hypnosis works. I’ve done that with great results. I’m just not sure from what beginning and end point to start this on my own. So expertise is needed, at least to point the way so I can make this journey through the fire….once and for all and escape the horrible shackles that were forced onto me.
To then maybe truly be able to live each moment anew, or at least be closer to it. Work is never done when you’re working on self growth, getting out of our own way and finding peace and happiness within. Never. I guess that’s the point in life……it aims to keep you on your toes. At least it has me. That seems to be my life for sure. But I suppose we each have our own trajectory, don’t we.
May your trajectory surround you with true happiness. 🤗💖🙏🏽🌈🥰💋