I’m in crisis. I hadn’t realized it completely until the specialist pointed it out this morning. I was telling her how I felt inside; how horrible these last weeks have been. How much I’ve been suffering and crying and reliving my past through these fantasies, role playing and such. She of course told me to try to abstain from all the triggers. Which I had done successfully last week for a bit.
But she’s right. I’m in the thick of it and it’s not been a fun or easy time of it. I want to say it’s easier to relive the events than live them at the moment but I’m not even that sure really. It’s like PTSD, trauma and sexuality all congrue into this pot of intensity that is overwhelming and yet hits all these familiar spaces.
It’s time I tackled this head on. It’s not going to go away or fix itself. For now that means no more porn, no more Brad and a lot more therapy and getting in touch with my inner child. I need to sort myself out again. I need to pull myself out of this abyss of despair and pain I feel engulfed in. It doesn’t help that I pray for these girls in these porn videos. I am adding to the supply and demand effect just by looking at it, even if I want to believe they are at least 18. It doesn’t matter that I see myself in their position, that I put myself into their role as the victim. None of this matters when it sets off this self-hatred that has started to consume me.
It wasn’t my fault…. the past …..but what I do now is. Isn’t it? And I have to be able to live with myself. I have people that depend on me. I need to have inner peace and for this I have to find more strength than I ever thought I would need to get past this place I now find myself in this life. And it doesn’t matter how many people tell you “you aren’t a monster” because if you feel that way inside……… then that is your reality.
So…. I need to change my reality, the dialogue inside my head, the things that I have been doing with myself. I need to work very hard now at fixing this so very heavily damaged little girl inside. Maybe this all came out now for a reason. Maybe now was the time for me to see this and heal it. Maybe… maybe… who knows. All I know is that this feels like the hardest journey I will ever have to make in my life and I’m so scared and so worried……….. because it feels like all this work I’ve done for all these years has been futile. Now I face my greatest foe yet; myself… my own demons …head on.
All I can do is pray and cry and hope everything will be ok. Because right now it doesn’t quite feel ok. It all just feels so very broken.