I’m obsessed with love…..all of it. Sex isn’t love necessarily, but it can be. Even beyond just making love. Right?
The teenager got a promposal tonight. It was fairly simple but took some planning and effort and was still super cute. Promposals remind me of proposals for obvious reasons but they also invoke a sense of anxiety in me. Anxiety on men’s behalf because….the whole thing just seems like it can be a bit stressful and anxiety for the girls that don’t get to have the experience of being promposed to.
Now I’ve, as of this last year and more, been of the mind that it would be cool being the one doing the proposing and that is the absolute truth but there is still something deeply ingrained in my girl brain that says “but isn’t it romantic?”. There is that part of me that still wants to be proposed to.
I was telling Brad all this tonight via text (showing him the promposal pictures) while I watched Killing Eve, a new show he got me hooked on that I binge watched some of tonight. He said to just wait…..that one may be coming.
I’m absolutely flattered and it does make me happy to think Brad cares for me so much to want to marry me…..if that is indeed what he was hinting at, but I can’t without any doubts in my mind say yes right now. I don’t know if my faith in men or in myself is broken far too much. I don’t know if it’s just that the nature of our relationship is too tumultuous to make me feel certain about a happily ever after. I just don’t know.
So I basically told him as kindly as I could think to…..please don’t propose to me. It’s so odd because I do care for him so deeply and I depend on him so much and I know he depends on me as well.
I guess I was sitting on the couch watching the show all “sad girl” and the teenager wanted to know what was going on and asked specifically about Brad and I felt compelled to tell her what I had told him and she says “of all relationship problems to have that’s not really a bad one”. I guess seen from that perspective she’s not wrong. The pupil may just be smarter than the teacher now….it seems. Good for her.
And who knows…. maybe someday I do get my happily ever after. After all, it doesn’t have to look like a rom-com, or follow any standard protocol, it just has to be authentic and heartfelt and pure and even more so…….I want to be absolutely certain that the road ahead is the one I want to be on. I’m not settling for less. Even if that means never being proposed to….. well…..so be it.
You know….. maybe I’ve lived all my harrah’s as far as love. Maybe I don’t get to experience all the silly things in life or maybe I orchestrate them myself. Who’s to say really. Right now……..I just need to get my head out of the clouds and concentrate on the task at hand. Shake all the fairy dust up, swirl it madly like a snowglobe and see how it all resettles. The last thing I need to be thinking about right now is a proposal, especially one that hasn’t even happened yet. Right?
Goodnight beautiful rock with all its wild inhabitants. The morning is coming quickly and beauty rest is a much needed thing. Indeed. 💋💋💋