I’m not out from under the debris, but the storm has passed. When you lose complete sight of your mooring and can’t bare to see the face staring back at you; when you’ve lost all hope and don’t want to bear another day of wretched pain…….it all seems completely lost and futile…..nothing makes any sense and it’s so easy to just give up.
Through the care of two strong woman I walked through the land of despair, to see yet again that while it engulfs you in its entirety and you feel you just can’t go on….that if you just have patience and compassion for yourself it will end. Of all the things I lost…. hope was probably the most detrimental to my well-being. That I couldn’t understand who I was anymore is negligible, eventually I would learn to cope, but losing hope is to me the tipping point to an agony beyond all agonies.
I am still unsure what the future brings or what will happen long term and short term with my goals. I’m going to keep working towards them. That’s all I can do. As far as the kiddo’s……. I can’t let them go. I would rather lose everything in my life, every single possession then lose my children. They are after all my main reason to live. Biologically, psychologically, emotionally……..they are what propel me to keep on going.
I look in the mirror and I clearly see that little girl now, so lost, so afraid, so innocent and sweet coping with things so far beyond her years. Coping with things no child should have to live through. She adapted in ways that she herself wouldn’t grow to understand for 36 more years and now…..I must forgive myself. I stared at those horrible desires head on and sobbed the heaviest tears I’ve ever imagined and washed away that pain so I could see that she had to find the silver lining somewhere in order to survive.
Now I need to let her grieve her youth, her sexual innocence taken from her by force by a predator more than twice her age. I have to let her out to see the sun. It wasn’t until I fully grasped who she was, what she became, what she suffered in her damaged psyche that I was ever going to get past it. It’s interesting how I denied it for so long (completely unaware), to finally learn about it, then give into it, to detested and fight it, only to come out of that anger and confusion and pain to see that going through the fire was the only way out of it for me.
I don’t have answers; let alone easy ones. I don’t have a direction to go right now as far as my sexuality. I feel like I’m starting from scratch. Like I had all these things put on me and now…..now that I’ve started the process of healing them, now it’s time for me to look deep inside at the clean slate that it left and start anew. Washed clean from the gut wrenching pain of seeing and living the gore again……to come out lighter, and with a humility and understanding I could not have gotten any other way but through the pain itself.
I’ve decided I will be completely abstinent until Brad gets back and then I will see what I want to do. Sylvia told me now would probably be a good time to be single for a while. My mom suggested I switch sides. I can’t say what I will do. I get to decide now. Me! I don’t have these skeletons and demons chasing me around the bedroom anymore whispering at me. I get to choose. But let me keep clearing this debris and see how I come out of this. Domme, sub, vanilla, celibate, who’s to say? But I have a feeling it will all be ok and that’s the best feeling in the world to me.
Wishing you to be ok too (at the very least😉).