I had a horrible nightmare last night and I woke up wanting to vomit and with chest pains and then I slowly realized once I calmed down that my current reality is actually no better than my dream was. Just a different take with most of the same players.
Yesterday in therapy Sylvia told me to think of what I would tell that little girl if she were standing in front of me now and I couldn’t think of one positive thing to say. “It will get easier, it will get better.” came to mind but that would be a lie. She said “isn’t she lovable without being sexualized?, Can you tell her that?” and I couldn’t. All I could do was cry.
I can’t find myself. I feel so very lost right now.
I think I’ll have to rent out my house again. Maybe even sublet my business. Have the girls go back with their father. I’ve tried my absolute best and I just can’t keep fighting this battle. I don’t have any strength left in me right now. Between the very heavy financial burden, and just general stress of life and then add in this triggered trauma and it all feels like it’s imploding and even though many players had a hand in this…..
Even though many villains abound I take full blame here. For some reason I am taking all the blame. Yet again. Just like that little girl did. Just like I’ve always done. Shoulder all the responsibility and blame, because that makes sense. Right?
God…….it’s all too much. Just too much. On a lighter note.
The sticker said “I eat ass”.
At least I can still laugh sometimes. (Between the tears.)