Nightmares

I had a horrible nightmare last night and I woke up wanting to vomit and with chest pains and then I slowly realized once I calmed down that my current reality is actually no better than my dream was. Just a different take with most of the same players.

Yesterday in therapy Sylvia told me to think of what I would tell that little girl if she were standing in front of me now and I couldn’t think of one positive thing to say. “It will get easier, it will get better.” came to mind but that would be a lie. She said “isn’t she lovable without being sexualized?, Can you tell her that?” and I couldn’t. All I could do was cry.

I can’t find myself. I feel so very lost right now.

I think I’ll have to rent out my house again. Maybe even sublet my business. Have the girls go back with their father. I’ve tried my absolute best and I just can’t keep fighting this battle. I don’t have any strength left in me right now. Between the very heavy financial burden, and just general stress of life and then add in this triggered trauma and it all feels like it’s imploding and even though many players had a hand in this…..

Even though many villains abound I take full blame here. For some reason I am taking all the blame. Yet again. Just like that little girl did. Just like I’ve always done. Shoulder all the responsibility and blame, because that makes sense. Right?

God…….it’s all too much. Just too much. On a lighter note.

The sticker said “I eat ass”.

At least I can still laugh sometimes. (Between the tears.)

πŸŒˆπŸ™πŸ½πŸŒž

Author: porngirl3

I have always enjoyed reading and writing. Maybe because I have always been on the quiet and reclusive side; which most people may not guess at first glance or if seeing me in a social setting, especially around people I am comfortable with but it’s also not something I have an issue with. I need solitude to recharge. Writing gives me the peace and time to renew myself...here that is offered to you for your enjoyment and pleasure as well. I hope. Lol

7 thoughts on “Nightmares”

  1. I am not sure what you are going through or what has triggered these feelings but please know you can always reach out to me. I understand the lost little girl. I understand trying to believe that you are good enough to do anything. I understand that bastard voice in your head. I understand. I am here. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re so sweet. Thank you!!

      I’m feeling better. But it was dark for a moment and I was close to the edge. Closer than I’ve been in probably well over 20 years. It’s past. The dust is clearing. We’ll see how I recuperate and what trauma is left to deal with.

      (On top of my usual single mom and financial stress and businesses, Brad triggered me into reliving my childhood sexual abuse; by accident…and it sent me into a black hole of massive depression but let me see that there was still a little girl there that needed healing and love and acceptance….and so the healing I thought I had confronted now – I hope – truly gets healed and a new shift happens for me. A healthier me. I hope)

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      1. Yes. A crucial step. It wasn’t just acknowledging her pain, I was seeing who she became to survive (deep in her psyche) and it wasn’t pretty and it was hard to look at and live through. But…… it needed to happen. Painful and so hard. But I feel so much better in my own skin knowing the truth of it all. Knowing the shame is gone.

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