Still living in an emotional whirlwind. But I can’t wallow today. Early morning gym followed by important phone calls, two meetings. One of them is thankfully with my psychologist.
If I were still a drinker these last few days would have had me drinking up a storm, but I’m not and they didn’t and here we are still. Aren’t we? Not necessarily better or worse. Alcohol at least usually makes you feel temporarily better, which is why so many people use it to cope. I get it. I was there. Some days I wish I still could drink.
Yesterday, Brad was pretty much (it seemed) telling me to break up with him. That if he was the main part of my distress to end it. The problem is that 1) while yes he did open a door I never knew existed in the skeletons of my subconscious…..he didn’t create this pain. He just brought it to light. That he has no idea how to help and has only made it worse is another issue I think. 2) I have so little support in my life that to lose someone I love that is essentially one of my best friends especially now that I am feeling so disoriented and in pain, I think would be counterproductive. 3) I can’t make that decision. If he wants to make it he can, but right now I’m struggling and having to make highly emotional decisions isn’t in my wheelhouse. It just isn’t.
He is very good at words and not so great with actions and while normally I have no issues telling him what to do, telling him my needs, right now I just can’t find it. I’m just feeling so vulnerable and weak and that Domme powerhouse of a woman that usually knows exactly what she wants in her love life has put up a “temporarily out of the office” sign.
I don’t know if it’s good or bad that he’s 3,000 miles away right now. All I know is I gotta keep keeping on. Even if most of it is for show and I really feel like curling up in a ball in the corner and rocking myself with sobs.
Unfortunately that’s a luxury I can’t afford. Literally. 🙄🙄🙄
The sun is shinning. This epoch will pass. I hope I learn the lessons this period has to offer and grow stronger and brighter from it. I don’t see how. I don’t see when. I don’t see an end. But……….nothing lasts forever. And that’s a consolation I’ll take.