The techtonic plates of my self image have been distorted. My emotional equalibrium has been put in a state of upheaval. I was not prepared for this. At all.
I was thinking today of when I went to the Buddhist retreat. We had an assignment of seeing ourselves driving a bus and everyone on the bus was a different image of our personality. At the end we would describe to the small class who we saw. I remember the instructor asking me if I had seen a little girl. I said no. She asked again “are you sure?”. The look on her face made me feel not as if I’d done anything wrong but as if I hadn’t seen the whole picture yet. As if there was something I had missed.
And now here she is. Staring me in the face. The little girl I thought I had healed. But a completely different reality of her. One I never could have had any foresight existed and…… it isn’t pretty. She’s damaged so much more than I ever realized. She hurting in ways I don’t know how to fix and I feel so very lost and alone in the world.
I have dealt with A LOT in my life and I suppose if I want to look at this pragmatically this came out now because maybe I wasn’t ready to handle it before. And truthfully I can see why.
Because….. it’s a lot. Too much. And it’s broken me down in ways I didn’t know I was capable of still breaking.
You see…… I have this image of always being competent. I have this persona of being strong, of always achieving what I set my mind to and work hard at. I carry this “I was broken, but I am not now” badge (incognito I used to think)………
Except…….now…..right now. I feel so completely not that at all.
I know I’ll find my way back. I have to. I’m not giving myself another option…. But just right now. Right at this moment I really don’t know how.
At least, I can still clearly see what I want in life. My house. My business. Stability for my 3 angels. Peace in my heart and if I’m lucky and all the stars want to align…a man with a good heart that loves me infinitely in the ways that I need, even when I don’t know I need it.
I would say life has been good to me. But it would be a lie. My life has been one God damn struggle after another and I’ve rised or tried to rise as best I could.
And right now I just hope God continues to give me the strength I need to persevere against what seem like insurmountable odds. I just hope that I can find my way.