Trauma is a funny thing. It can lay dormant affecting you in ways you never even realized until you take a good hard look at it. The other day Brad and I unleashed something deep within me that I wasn’t even aware of and it knocked me to the floor. It shook me to my very core. I wasn’t even sure who I was anymore. I mean yes. On the outside I was the same person and I had all the same issues, responsibilities, baggage, etc. But inside I had been broken down and I couldn’t comprehend who I was looking at in the mirror anymore. I felt reduced to almost nothing and no one.
And then instead of building me up better, healthier, stronger…..we inadvertently catapulted me right into deeper deviancies. Think of cults or the military or schooling sometimes. They take you and break you in order to mold you to what they want. Except Brad wasn’t being nefarious and purposeful here. He was just enjoying the ride.
I finally recognized what was happening last night as I laid in bed completely spent. I had woken up at 4:30 to meet Donna at the gym. Yet in between clients, errands, packaging, laundry and the millions of other things a responsible humanoid must do I still managed to masturbate 6 times and watch over 3 hours of porn. And as I laid in bed almost in tears not liking what I was seeing it all became clear again.
I told Brad I need a break: no sex talk, no porn. I need to build myself back up. These things take time and persistence and humility. I have to have compassion for the me that revealed itself. The monster I saw hiding in the shadows. Which was just the coping skills of a little girl lost in a world of selfish and broken adults. Now. I must give her space to grieve and heal. I don’t expect this to go smoothly.
But I figure it this way. You have two choices in life when you see a monster staring back at you in the mirror: go with it and let it become you completely or compassionately heal it and let it be part of who you needed to be when it was created.
No one truly wants to be a monster, but some people don’t see another way out so they just go all in, becoming the monster they think they see.
You know……this road has been hard. The views have not always been pretty. The tales I’ve told myself have not always been the truth. But I get up, dust myself off and keep going. Hoping for paradise. Which to me doesn’t mean some place or thing, but rather a life bursting with so much love and happiness that I feel like I’m busting at the seams.
May you all find your own paradise within this labyrinth of so many possibilities. 💋