Sometimes I feel like an idiot. It’s ok. I realize I’m human, having a human experience and being stupid is standard. I’m not even sure why it bothers me or why I try to avoid it really. Maybe it would make more sense to embrace it even more. Wonder how to do that? Generally speaking I still try to avoid it, when possible.
This thing with Brad though. Ugghhhh. He came over to take us out to dinner. The usual place the kids like; Red Robin. This is the second time this month that we’ve gotten bad service. Last night every time I engaged with the waitress her immediate first response was a look that said “I’m exhausted, this is hard work, give me a break” followed very quickly with a smile to cover it up. But not quick enough. Every single time too. It made me want to get the other waitress to help us, but there’s a weird thing about complaining to people that handle your food. There is a fine line to that.
The whole night except for one part was abysmal. Brad sat sulking through dinner with barely a word spoken. He bombarded me with stupid jokes, useless trivia and things I really was beyond not interested in the entire ride to the restaurant. I know he is trying really hard but less is more. Not to the point he sulks like a child though. Jeezus. I was so stressed out too feeling I had to pander to his emotional needs that it just added to the turmoil.
But at one point when we laid on my bed, the four of us and Lexi read us her pig storybook and we all laughed as she showed us the pictures. It was such a sweet and special moment in time.
But he asked me yesterday if I was using him. To say it shocked me to be asked would be a wild understatement. It absolutely floored me. For one isn’t this the man that is suppose to know me. Secondly it is beyond not in my nature. Third if he is so unsure that he has to question me directly then maybe he needs to just walk away. I felt so attacked and misunderstood and insulted and his retort was “I’m just trying to be transparent”, which is admirable. But…. I don’t get it.
It’s like last weekend when he accused me of purposely wanting to spill coconut water on his bed and head. Why in the world would I do that? “To be vindictive” he says to which I say “that isn’t me, my brain doesn’t work that way, I’m not like that”. Why must I defend myself over accusations that are so beyond my realm of existence? It just makes me aware that the disconnect between us has reached a point of no return.
And it saddens me even more because my youngest woke up and said “isn’t it weird how you don’t know reality from dreams” and I told her the moments right when you wake up are like that and she asked me “are we going Easter egg hunting?” To which I assured her we are and she says “because I had a dream we did an Easter egg hunt at Brad’s house and I found the best and biggest prize” and my eyes wanted to tear up.
(Me screaming into a pillow🙄😢😕.)
I’ve decided next month is my Kon Marie month. Brad will be leaving for almost the entire month to Florida so it will be a great time to get rid of the clutter that surrounds me. Get into my garage after I purge my house of all the useless crap that doesn’t “spark joy”. I need to make more friends too. Maybe go to a Femdom event and dust off the garter belt. Maybe start planning a garage sale.
Mama needs a new attitude.
Wishing you a wonderful weekend. Don’t eat too much!