Maybe he was joking. I’m sure that’s what he will say tomorrow if we even talk of it at all.
It come up rather innocuously, I thought. He wanted me to play with his genitalia. I told him “that really isn’t my thing”, which maybe seems odd because I like dick everywhere else; mouth, ass, whatever, but not so much my hands. Sometimes when I want to touch everywhere or maybe when I am aching to feel and see hardness for me. But the rest of the time no, even if it does end up in my mouth or wherever. Te he he
So anyway….he says to me something like “it isn’t about you, it’s about giving pleasure to another” and I said to him “nope, if I’m not happy, how can I make you happy?” and he comes back and says to me “with dilligent servitude” or something like that. Disciplined maybe, God whatever it was I was like dude, “no, I counter that”, to which he said there was no counter. I then said I veto that, to which there was no veto. I guess I should have said then I’m not playing, but…….anyway.
It’s a bit funny, I think and it wasn’t what actually started the fight that brought in the anxiety attack. Not everything in relationships is in singular lines.
If I can find the path back to myself it all seems worth it, but I guess it does matter what road you take. You want to take not the one of least resistance, but the one that most aligns with your happiness, your soul’s journey and your heart. What do you believe your soul journey to be?
What do I believe indeed?
Dearest guardian angels, help me to embrace life. Surround me with your love and light, brilliant multi-color rainbows. Guide and protect me and lead me towards the light, both during and after life.*
Today Brad’s daughter and I bonded, probably a bit much over Brad. But she and I get him on a level he doesn’t get himself so it’s like our brotherhood. Lol. Except maybe he shouldn’t be ear shot to it. Note for next time. This has been a lot to process. I am on major sensory overload. This all brought back way too many memories of self soothing as a child. I remember doing child’s pose until at least 6. Maybe longer. Crying and shaking hysterically in bed. I know typically one would feel bad for oneself in this situation, but somehow I always end up feeling bad for my mother.
*I should have no need to explain myself and somehow I still feel like I do. Most of this is just normal human behavior but……………. sometimes, a lot in life I’ve felt like the alien, the odd one out and I know that isn’t right. I know we all have our own singular times around the earth. I know we all have lessons to learn and experiences to go through. I’m just lately of the mind that………I’m so over worrying about every God damn thing and I’m just gonna strive to be me.
I’m not making any assumptions. I think narcissist are actually more of sado-masochists and masochists combined. They not only don’t mind making you miserable they don’t mind that their own life is miserable as well. They can pretend pretty damn well and even fool themselves really. That’s the real difficulty of narcissism. The lies people aren’t even always aware they are telling themselves.
I know I’m just as capable as anyone else. I think in that vulnerability comes truth. We are all so mortally, stupidly unself-aware sometimes. It adds to part of the sadness and beauty of this life.
I want to be less unself. Lol