Soul vs Esteem feeding, beach bound, laughing at me

Brad is taking me to the coast. I’m excited. I know we are going to build a bonfire on the beach and stay at the casino. He insists, because they can take the dogs. Where I suggested an Airbnb and was immediately shot down. Oh well. I’m assuming he will let me gamble under his supervision and with a predetermined allotment. Otherwise he is just being cruel and that isn’t really in him.

I am letting him take care of the details not just because he is paying but because he is much more finicky than I am and I would prefer not to hear him complain and know I had any culpability. If I have to hear him complain, which I’m sure I will, it will be due to his own choices. A much better scenario for me, not that I enjoy hearing it either way.

Obviously we’ll have hotel sex. I used to think of hotel sex as some of the most fun a couple could have but that stance has changed since the introduction of BDSM. Although our first dalliance together was indeed in a seedy motel and hot as fuck. Still gives me chills how much I wanted the boi, how much chemistry we had between us and how completely feral that experience was.

But as you all know as of late I’ve been really trying to center myself more and focus on my spiritual well being. And while I am a go with the flow person. I can’t help wonder what the rest of the trip will look like. I was thinking I would take a super slutty outfit and doll myself up and parade around the casino picking up all the gawks; lewd drooling, judgemental stares, envious glances, shocked gaffaws. It’s fun to see the range of reactions in a setting that while you think would be more towards Vegas is actually more of a Golden Girls situation.

I find the thought fun and funny and I will have Brad to ensure no one gets the wrong idea and assumes I am a professional slut as opposed to just your usual garden variety. Lol. I wonder what kind of fun that will be? He eats it up when other men stare at me. I think it inflates his ego much more than it even touches mine. To me it’s like a social experiment more than anything. I like to look at the variables and analyze the outcome.

I was realizing yesterday that I’ve treated my life as more of a science experiment than anything. Questioning things I didn’t understand, seeking order to things, trying to change results by manipulating my own output.

Case in point. I have had these mannerisms that I’ve been aware and self conscious of since my 20’s. Things like placement of my hands and facial features that I’ve realized people align with mental retardation. The way my hand perches in front of my torso and my wrist flops down. The way my bottom jaw would jut out if I was concentrating. Subtle nuances of my behavior I strived to change to appear “normal” and be treated as such. Now this is stupid of course, but to me it was just a matter of changing the optics to achieve a better response from my environment. Science or marketing? It it all about evaluation and experimentation.

I realize I do that with almost everything. The default in my mind is “how does this work?”, “can I optimize this?” “how does my input affect the outcome?”. All in the sake of ease really. Ever the lazy gal I just want what makes life flow the easiest way possible.

But…..I also want to have fun. Ergo the insane willingness to try almost anything once. To be intrigued by people, experiences, and opportunities enough to want to see what happens in a situation, sometimes with little regard for my own safety. I want to see how things will develop. Where things will go. What the possibilities are.

It is my hyper-inquisitive nature. I couldn’t stop it if I wanted to. It’s just the way my brain works.

Now how to mix some soul searching into this getaway without having to disengage from Brad? Not that this isn’t an option. A morning beach meditation would be nice. Some beach yoga maybe. A long walk with the waves lapping at my feet. That all sounds perfectly ideal too.

I so love the ocean. I remember when I lived in Long Beach and when I felt completely overwhelmed by life I would get in my car and drive to Sunset Beach and sit there for hours staring at the sky, the waves, enjoying the warmth of the sand and the salty air misting me. I had a perfect vantage of most of Long Beach from there and I could feel like I separated myself from all my stress and problems. They were all there, in the distance where I left them and I was here, enjoying peace and quiet and nature. That would rejuvenate me and give me more comfort than most anything else would.

Well. Off to a marketing event for women and then a client. Dropping off some posters for my upcoming free talk on digestion. I also volunteered to talk to the middle school at career day later this month. The coordinator says to me, concerned, that she hopes I don’t get insulted if the children laugh at the subject matter. I assured her that I have grown adults laugh and have difficulties with talking about digestion so I expected it. This should be fun.

I want to tell them simple things no one ever told me. What the color, consistency, frequency of your poop should be. When to seek medical attention. How to know your transit time. How important your digestion is to your overall well being. How something as simple as washing their hands will save them from countless sick days and maladies.

Basic information about our own bodies. I’m willing to make myself into “the fool”. Absolutely worth it to me if I can help a single one of them have a healthier and happier life. Yep. Laugh away kiddos. I got ya.

Happy almost Friday everyone. Hope you have a splendid day.


Author: porngirl3

I have always enjoyed reading and writing. Maybe because I have always been on the quiet and reclusive side; which most people may not guess at first glance or if seeing me in a social setting, especially around people I am comfortable with but it’s also not something I have an issue with. I need solitude to recharge. Writing gives me the peace and time to renew that is offered to you for your enjoyment and pleasure as well. I hope. Lol

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