Today Brad and I went to have lunch at the place his daughter works. In the past I’ve had not always the best experiences with my partners family. I felt very judged and sometimes mistreated as if I wasn’t good enough. Brad’s family are so very kind and just genuinely nice people. I really like his daughter.
Brad and I were laughing over lunch about how high maintenance I am. Now generally speaking I am anything but high maintenance but there are a few exceptions and eating out is definitely one of them. Since I don’t do it all that much and it is a luxury and unnecessary expense I want to enjoy it, regardless of who pays.
So I am running her through the ringer. She must have made more than a dozen trips to our table. Of course we are chatting in between and she is ever so gracious and sweet. But as I said to Brad “hey, it takes all kind in this world. It’s a spectrum. Right now I’m just veering to one side.” Don’t ask me why that’s funny to me.
So I went to ask for assistance for my utilities from the county. I didn’t even know this program existed prior to last year and I’ve been able to use it once already…(last year). They basically get this allotment which they try to divy up and once it runs out it’s out. Last time I got about $350 for electric and $150 for gas. I only applied once, although you can apply each round of funding (I think) which is a few times a year.
This time I didnt qualify. I went in twice to get my paperwork in and both times I cried like a forsaken woman. I can’t remember why the first time. This time it was after she had denied me and asked me how much my mortgage was again? The implication was that it was very high and this was the reason I was drowning. She isn’t wrong.
I told her……
My mortgage is $2520. But after the divorce when I was figuring out what the hell I was going to do to survive not having been in the work force for over a decade and with no formal degree the clearest option seemed to be to move to a more affordable city.
Because when we had moved here I had no premonition of a pending divorce. So I didn’t have to worry then about how the money came in; just on how to allocate it (i.e. I only had to manage the money). So when I finally figured out I wanted to do colon hydrotherapy the path became a bit clearer but not the location. I was originally thinking Canby but the teenager, the one who never asks for much, almost always does what she is told, helps with her sisters, gets mostly straight A’s and is all in all a truly delightful human being, sat me down tearfully and said “mom, please don’t move me from my friends”.
This after moving the poor child every 2 years of her life (because of circumstances I can’t currently explain). I just couldn’t do it to her.
And the tears just flowed.
This poor woman. I can’t imagine the sob stories she must hear. The thing that made me feel the best of all the kind things she said was that she also applies for the utilities. Sometimes her family qualifies. I was shocked. I just assumed she made a lot of money working for the county and I found it comforting when she told me this.
Now I remember. It’s because the first time I was in her office I was telling how I am the first person in my family to ask for assistance, of any kind. A legacy my father said made him proud in just the worst way a parent can possibly say that. Although in a weird way I know my father is proud of me, just as she said to me too. It’s just that it’s hard for him to watch me struggle. He is retired and he helps as much as he can. Could he help more? Sure. But I get it.
He’s got a hot young fiance who he expects and wants to spend the rest of his life with. As far as I’m concerned she’s more than earned his money. I love my dad but he is one chauvinist asshole sometimes. Plus he’s got a wedding coming up. He’s also taking care of her daughter while she is away at college. The schooling is free but the room and board and supplies aren’t. I don’t fault him at all. He did send money last year and sends money for Christmas.
So anyway….. yea. I not only absolutely hate crying*……I hate crying in front of people….let alone strangers. You’d think that would feel easier, and I think it does to most people.
It’s fine. It was, as always, cathartic. I’ll have to send Melissa a thank you letter. Even though she couldn’t help me I really feel the need to send it. Lol
Ok. Off to sleep. Gotta wake up and make a sack lunch and get the tots to school. A school bus could take them but we are literally 3 blocks away and the bus would force them to get up 20 minutes earlier. Poor things. They already wake up so early and grouchy (one of um at least). Anyway. Gotta be a mom. That’s my job. Reporting for duty. Smile on my face. Let’s do this. 💋💋💋 😉🥰💖
*Hate is a strong word. I don’t hate it. Sometimes I absolutely love and need it. It’s such a great and welcome release, but sometimes…..usually, it comes very hard for me and at great emotional distress. It’s basically like… if I don’t cry that means it’s all alright. Don’t ask me why I think that is true because I know logically it absolutely isn’t.
We have this running joke when we are all watching a sad movie and I cry that it’s just dust in my eyes or allergies. Then we all laugh, or I do…… one of those.