I love being codependent. I know. That’s probably the most unhealthy statement one could say in this day and age. But it’s my truth and I am sticking to it. It’s what makes me happy. Usually. Until it doesn’t. Like today.
Last night I (felt like I) poured my heart out to Brad in text. Trying to find resolutions to our many problems. His health. My finances. The physical distance between us. Our MANY ideological differences. On and on.
I patiently await some type of response this morning. Nothing. At about 10 I text good morning and by 2pm after a frantic morning of trying and failing to talk myself into calmness I lambaste him for not addressing anything I said at all and then having the nerve to feel insulted in this equation, because how dare I get mad. God, I absolutely hate his victim mentality.
This just made me fly off the fucking handle. I don’t know how people with boundaries and good mental and emotional health handle these situations. I seethe and fester and bubble into a raging molten lava of pure stupefying anger. The likes of which an apology will not even begin to abate.
This is when I want to tie him up and punish him for making my day horrendous. Even after we finally talked a bit and I was able to get him to see my point and he finally begrudgingly apologized the anger still toiled. It did turn my day tolerable but it didn’t absolve him from the lack of regard for my feelings.
Being codependent means that you are so deeply emotionally dependant on someone that a slight, even a small one can have a huge ripple affect on your entire everything. The problem I find with codependency isn’t the placing of too much stock in another person’s reactions or lack of reaction it’s making sure that the person you give this much privilege too is worthy. It’s ensuring that they have your wellness and happiness in the forefront of their very being.
I have absolutely no issues with codependency. Not that I am advocating it for anyone. I am absolutely not doing so. In fact I am being a huge hypocrite by suggesting you do as I say and not as I do and never let yourself become dependant on another person. (That is what most mental health professionals would want you to do, right?)
I don’t take lightly my part in being depended on though either. I know what I say and do can have a deep impact on the person I am with. I expect this. I demand this. I adore this. I eat it up. But it is also a burden, one which I am oh so happy to take on because I see the value to it. I see the depth of emotion and intimacy and vulnerability. This comes at a price. A price of deep awareness and sensitivity to their overall well being.
It is a privilege to be depended on. I absolutely believe this to be true. But one must be deserving of such a deep honor. And of course one must learn to navigate it to where it isn’t an inconvenience but rather an avenue of happiness and connectivity.
Maybe I’m wrong. But I enjoy it so much I don’t care honestly. I simply don’t care what anyone else thinks or says about it. But right now I am seeking atonement for this mornings faux pas. So Master may have to make her appearance. Ensure he understands the gravity of his errors. This can’t go this way again. It just can’t.
Because honestly I’d rather be alone than with the wrong person.