What am I expecting?

I wonder if and when we do reach the outer limits of space what we will be like as a humanity. Will we be any better as people? Will we still have all the animalitic, ego driven, selfish, superficial longings and violent behaviors? Will we be the same beings that vacillate between angel and devil?

Frankly I think, even if science got to the point where they could take that side out of us. Where they could manipulate our genes so much they could strip us of our overgrown hungers for power, money, lust, deceit, etc. that I personally wouldn’t want that done….to anyone.

I’m in a wierd mood. My stomach hurts. My head is groggy. My face if puffy. I haven’t even started my day yet.

I think this all revolves around Brad. I’m becoming a bit obsessed. I’m growing dependant on him. This is a HUGE thing for me and something that I am not comfortable with. In the past I’ve never really had positive experiences depending on anyone from parents onwards.

I was telling myself this morning that I need to change the stories in my head. This is definitely one of those that need changing. He loves me. I know this. I also know above all else that no matter what happens on this rock I will be fine. Intrinsically, at the deepest level of my being I am fine. This life is just a pit stop that I’m still trying to acclimate to.

It’s ok to accept love, kindness, time, affection, and other great positive things from people and it’s ok to depend on someone. I need to open up to these things more. I need to be less of a guarded tower because much like Pisa I have needed a lot of help. But hey even that is stable enough to now be one of the leading attractions in the area and you can climb to it’s top with no problems. Of course that wasn’t a guarded tower but a bell tower that was used to ring for executions and Catholic observations and also used as a lookout tower during war.

Point is, I am so used to being a stand alone being. Even within my marriage I operated as a single entity, psychologically and emotionally speaking. Opening up to feeling this needy and vulnerable with someone is scary to me. Ugghhhhhhh!!!

I have work to do. I can’t sit here struggling with my anxiety and depression all day. This is beyond foolish. Things need to get done and I’m the one that needs to do them. Period. End of story. Let’s get a move on.

In life you don’t get to see or know where things are headed. But you still gotta pick up those bootstraps and keep going…….. I’m hoping for some real miracles here. Ok life. You want me open and vulnerable, transparent, honest. Fine! But I’m telling you now it ain’t gonna always be pretty. But it will be real. So fine. Let’s do this!

Author: porngirl3

I have always enjoyed reading and writing. Maybe because I have always been on the quiet and reclusive side; which most people may not guess at first glance or if seeing me in a social setting, especially around people I am comfortable with but it’s also not something I have an issue with. I need solitude to recharge. Writing gives me the peace and time to renew myself...here that is offered to you for your enjoyment and pleasure as well. I hope. Lol

2 thoughts on “What am I expecting?”

  1. I’m fairly certain that even if we were to settle life in another planet, we’d still be just the same as we are at present. Equally selfish without a care for the overall balance of our environment.
    That is something within us which I believe no scientific breakthrough would ever cure. We’d just be like the scavengers of the universe plundering planets just to fill our own pockets 💁.
    And as for the latter part of your post, I think I can relate a bit because I honestly don’t open up easy either so I can understand the queasiness you’re feeling. But maybe you ought to be more vulnerable for a change? I know you said it didn’t work out well for you in the past but perhaps this time would be different? Besides, I’m certain your past experiences have taught you a few important lessons you wouldn’t learn otherwise so that’s something to be thankful for too.
    Finding someone you WANT to confide in is something I can’t relate with and I probably never will. But now that you’ve found such a person for yourself, maybe you ought to try baring yourself a bit more? Hopefully the other person can help heal whatever scars you may have a bit more?
    Oh, happy weekend to you btw ❤.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I agree with you. Humans are bound to rear their inhumanity upon the universe if they can. Unfortunately.

      You’re so young to feel that you cant open up and find someone you want to share yourself with. It is a scary endeavor but……. deep down it’s what we all truly want. To be loved, deeply understood and to trust that love. Hopefully it won’t take you as long as it has me to learn all these lessons and let go, heal, open up to love. If anything this is challenging me in ways I didn’t even know I needed to grow. Life is a myriad of neverending struggles and boredom punctuated with moments of bliss, or so it seems like to me. Lol

      Liked by 1 person

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