I wonder if and when we do reach the outer limits of space what we will be like as a humanity. Will we be any better as people? Will we still have all the animalitic, ego driven, selfish, superficial longings and violent behaviors? Will we be the same beings that vacillate between angel and devil?
Frankly I think, even if science got to the point where they could take that side out of us. Where they could manipulate our genes so much they could strip us of our overgrown hungers for power, money, lust, deceit, etc. that I personally wouldn’t want that done….to anyone.
I’m in a wierd mood. My stomach hurts. My head is groggy. My face if puffy. I haven’t even started my day yet.
I think this all revolves around Brad. I’m becoming a bit obsessed. I’m growing dependant on him. This is a HUGE thing for me and something that I am not comfortable with. In the past I’ve never really had positive experiences depending on anyone from parents onwards.
I was telling myself this morning that I need to change the stories in my head. This is definitely one of those that need changing. He loves me. I know this. I also know above all else that no matter what happens on this rock I will be fine. Intrinsically, at the deepest level of my being I am fine. This life is just a pit stop that I’m still trying to acclimate to.
It’s ok to accept love, kindness, time, affection, and other great positive things from people and it’s ok to depend on someone. I need to open up to these things more. I need to be less of a guarded tower because much like Pisa I have needed a lot of help. But hey even that is stable enough to now be one of the leading attractions in the area and you can climb to it’s top with no problems. Of course that wasn’t a guarded tower but a bell tower that was used to ring for executions and Catholic observations and also used as a lookout tower during war.
Point is, I am so used to being a stand alone being. Even within my marriage I operated as a single entity, psychologically and emotionally speaking. Opening up to feeling this needy and vulnerable with someone is scary to me. Ugghhhhhhh!!!
I have work to do. I can’t sit here struggling with my anxiety and depression all day. This is beyond foolish. Things need to get done and I’m the one that needs to do them. Period. End of story. Let’s get a move on.
In life you don’t get to see or know where things are headed. But you still gotta pick up those bootstraps and keep going…….. I’m hoping for some real miracles here. Ok life. You want me open and vulnerable, transparent, honest. Fine! But I’m telling you now it ain’t gonna always be pretty. But it will be real. So fine. Let’s do this!