This is the second or third time in a row Brad and I have had sex and I haven’t orgasmed. It’s strange because the boi had it down before. Down pat…like easy-peasy, and now…….. (Jeopardy theme song).
It’s not a gigantic deal but it is a bit upsetting, or disappointing I should say. But I know these things happen. All the emotional turmoil has directed it’s attention to our sex life. Makes sense really. I kind of feel a little itty-bitty bit bad for him. It is very obvious when men are having technical difficulties but not so much women. Plus we women can fake it rather well*, and there aren’t any very apparent physical barometers for us that tell men “hey…..we aren’t that into this”**.
It’s fine except I really do enjoy a daily orgasm when possible. Tomorrow is another day. He says to me “with each time that passes the pressure increases”. Awwwwwwww. My poor boi. Well….he’s just gonna have to try harder and maybe we’ll have to tie him up as a bit of an incentive. I’m more than willing to put some effort into this. Just because he’s the man doesn’t mean he has to do all the hard labor. I do so enjoy being an active participant.
I’m still not 100% well though so my energy level makes it a bit hard. I do find it interesting that after our recent 2 week hiatus I just really enjoy his company and being with him more than anything. And while I will never again have a sexless relationship, because I personally don’t see the point, it’s nice to know sex isn’t the entire dynamic of our relationship.
I do want to plan a fun night of torture for him. I want to bind him tight and gag him and make him writhe in pain until he screams his safeword or just at that cusp. That will be glorious fun. Meanwhile I’ve decided no more ultimatums. No more if, but, when’s. It seems odd to just decide to dive in to a relationship that has had many volatile endings. But I figure it this way. As far as I’m concerned the next break up is our very last one….so help me God.
My heart is not a fucking yo-yo. Even if it’s against my very own will, even if I have to delete all his contact info and start speed dialing through my Rolodex to find men to pass the time with then that will be done. Whatever it takes.
Sooooo….. with that in mind. What’s the harm in fully investing, fully letting go. Just allowing myself to enjoy it without all the worry of the future or even just tomorrow and most especially of the past. I simply want to be happy. I just want to love and be loved. Respect and be respected. Care for someone that deeply cares for me as well.
I don’t know. Truly I don’t and love is about as illogical a thing as anything could be. I do know we had a fun time with the kidlets and for a moment we felt like a family and it was truly as great a day as you can hope for and that means the absolute world to me. It really does.
” Dancing Lessons” – Sinead O’Conner
*Suppose you can’t fake squirting though. I can not wait to enjoy that.
**For whatever reason and fear of intimacy, rejection, opening up….these are all real for men too. Of course sex usually trumps them all but when you date sensitive men as I do….it’s not as uncommon I believe.