Ok. The fact that I’ve been sick for days and the kids have been sick for a bit and I had to cancel a few clients this week and the only person I can call is my ex-husband to help. Well…….
Then add that I’m feeling a bit sad about Brad and I can’t wrap my head around my last existential conundrum to even know where to begin to look at that one. I’m frustrated!!!
I was thinking of the last 7 months with Brad and how we had some really great times and shared touching moments and laughter and some fabulous kinky adventures. I miss the comfort of his love. But…….. was it a waste of time?
I was also thinking back to Aaron. When we met he was half way through his bachelors degree and I was just starting an errand business. Needless to say the business went out the window in favor of a 9-5 job at his suggestion. Then I was moving in and paying all the bills except rent which his mom paid. The plan became for him to finish school and then for me to stop working and go back to school full-time. We never got there. He graduated and we broke up. He had bigger and better things in mind and I was no longer in that plan. To no one’s surprise but mine. It probably wasn’t so cut and dry but it certainly felt that way then.
I guess when I gave Brad the ultimatum recently “either help me financially or get out of my way”. It was my fault really that I got into that situation. I spent all the time I could with him and while I didn’t neglect my kids or my businesses, I also didn’t move forward with the projects and networking and things I had intended. Because there are only so many hours in a day and only so much energy I can expend.
This getting sick thing has forced me to unwind and reflect. Maybe its just me also going through the normal stages of a break up. I haven’t reached out. He hasn’t reached out. I think it’s fair to say neither one of us was really wanting to commit wholeheartedly to this adventure. Neither of us was wanting to give it everything. It seemed we had been growing farther and farther apart emotionally with each break-up.
It’s fine. I really don’t feel like rehashing the whole thing. Plus there are always more factors than one realizes going on in these situations. Things I can’t even begin to grasp that were at play. So as much as I want to try to understand it all, the best I can do is understand my own part in the scene.
I understand I am still very scared to have men around my kids. I understand my pluses and minuses. I am no where near perfect…….but for one man….I still harbor hope that I am all he has ever wanted and more…..and vice-versa of course. When and if it happens…it happens. Guess I have time to go the gym now, once my health pops back. That’s a plus! That will definitely help my mood too. win/win