I knew the instant I was pregnant with my first born
I just knew
It almost literally felt like a spark
I’ve been pregnant lots of times when you count pregnancies, miscarriages and such. It only ever happened one other time with the love of my life and he would not let me keep the baby.**
Anyway. Circle to being pregnant with my eldest and I was not working for most of that pregnancy. Mostly because I never had easy pregnancies. This one had me vomiting profusely from day one till well into 4 months, with massive headaches to boot. Anyway. I loved laying in bed listening to her heartbeat. One day out of the blue I hear through the headset “hi mama” in the cutest little voice which I recognized immediately when she was about 3 or 4. But at the time the incident threw me for a loop. I immediately took off the headset, flying it to the floor of the closet and never looked at it again until I sold it at a garage sale.
Now I was telling her when I told her this story for the 10th time at least recently. I said now with everything going on if that happened I’d probably sit and have a conversation with you. In retrospect I should have seen that my powers were increasing if I looked at the sequence and strength of the events.
Next came my middle. 5 years later within a month of finding out about the first this happened. The first was at one of too few weekends at Grandma’s (not my mom, never). My period wasn’t due for another week and we had all this time and energy for (fun) debauchery….in my mind at least. I was in the bathroom when I sensed this little being clinging to my leg with curly, curly dark black hair. The hair was a bit too curly and dark to be my child’s. Plus this child was smaller, plus she wasn’t there. Duh. Still…… even though I was looking in the mirror at nothing I was seeing it out of my peripheral vision. So I turned to look straight at nothing.
It was not a scary presence. It was flattering that it loved me so much and wanted to be near me. I brushed it off as funny and cute and kept on my day but when she appeared again shortly after still clinging desperately to my leg I told my ex I need to buy a pregnancy test. He asked me if I was late and I said no, it’s not even due yet. I told him what I saw and we laughed about it, but it wasn’t quite as funny when I was indeed pregnant. Don’t ask me why. Lol
Then at our Long Beach First Street apartment I was already 7 months if not more when I was waddling about the kitchen making dinner and saw the vision of a child peeking at me from the doorsil. I knew this child was her, the baby inside me. I just knew. So I wasn’t scared. I said “are we playing peek-a-boo?” because she kept hiding and peeking….just for like less than a minute probably. I assume it’s done. I really don’t know though so I probably just kept an open mind like I always try to.
As I’m walking to go outside, it’s a beautiful California day and everyone is playing on the front lawn I see her standing there with bangs and haircut a bit longer on the sides to be a simple bowlcut, hair straight as could be. Dark brown but a little reddish or orangish hair color and a beautiful smile. I walk towards her. I think I said “there you are” and then I never saw her again until birth.***
The funny thing is until this last year she didn’t quite look like what I imagined so I questioned the validity of that vision, even as I was still compelled to tell everyone about it. Lol. And then this year I remember staring at her as the light hit her hair, standing in the same fashion and it was like a “ping” memory that just snapped into being.
These are my three beings born in this life to me. I treasure them infinitely. I hope I don’t screw um up to much. Right now they are some incredible, beautiful little human beings and I’m so happy to be their mothers. I would mean this a lot more if they weren’t all in different stages of being sick though. 😝
Blessings of health to your children….in whatever stage of being they may be.🌈😛🙏🏽💖🥰💋💤 (Sleeping…what I should be doing.)
**Which is why I cursed him. It’s when I A) believed in them and B) was inmature enough to think I knew how and C) not sufficiently versed in karmic law. Only curse I ever put on anyone, only curse I ever will. Fingers crossed. 😂(jk)
***Women and moms have so much guilt. The good ones know how to pass it around is all. 😉. I have guilt that the thoughts I thought while pregnant, the things I ate, the things I watched all play a role in the development of my babies and it wasn’t all great. I was depressed with one of them, sick like a dog for parts of all of them, watched violent shows for some strange reason (as if a craving with one), didn’t eat always the best, no I was not shooting heroine or fucking strangers or any such deal. Just boring regular things. So why the guilt? Ugghhhhh. Lol