I’m not feeling depressed. I’m not feeling hopeless. What I’m feeling is a deep displeasure with what people generally think of as reality. The more I get in tune with spirit the more this world seems “a hologram of a halogram of a bad print of a stolen copy of a bootleg recording of what life really is suppose to be”.
I was reading a meme and someone was making fun of a “crazy” person. This “crazy” person was talking about energy and getting hit by waves and I was like wait…hold on…how did they mean that? Why is it automatically crazy? I wonder how many “crazy” people are truly far more in tune then we comprehend.
Frankly, right now….. I’m feeling tired of playing this game. I’m not being annhialistic. I’m just being honest. I feel like we are all “born into the frying pan”, “dance bitch, dance” and I can’t figure out why. I know. I know. I’m the first to say we don’t always get to know the why. But being privy to only part of a secret just makes you irritated, doesn’t it? Wouldn’t it?
Obviously, I’m assuming, part of me wanted to be here or why would my consciousness be here? I’m feeling so much like that silly 16 year old that woke up from the most beautiful dream about heaven so very angry to be alive. I’m not angry. Well. Maybe a little.
But life is hard enough with just the face value items presented. I wasn’t given the best stack either and then you add in all this existential bullshit that I can’t unknow and it’s all just a bit much. I tried watching a documentary about quantum science and spirituality. It was so simplified and basic, even with it’s “new science” higgs boson junk angle. We are such morons.
I’m having such a hard time going through the motions of living this stupid life of idiocies masquerading as necessities. So much of how we live is useless ego-driven blathering bullshit. The deeper I go the less I feel like playing. Take back your participation trophy life. Mark me absent. I’ll take a fail. If the life I see presented by “normal” society is really it……then count me out.
The only thing grounding me right now are these three little beings, trying to find their own relationship with reality. I feel for them. I really do. I don’t care that this world is about duality. I don’t care about it’s karmic laws. I don’t care that we feel entitled to the world and beyond as we want to see it, own it, abuse it, conquer it. I don’t care what little minds with even littler hearts tell me is right and wrong.
This world is maddening lunacy. I have found my own happiness within. I have found peace within. I will keep trying to find the answers to the real questions that matter in life….. but not to clarify anything to the world. People see only what they want to and only when they want to. I don’t carry aspirations to be anyone’s savior. It’s not the job I want.
I think I need to find a spiritual mentor sooner than later. I’m done reading. I’m done watching. I want knowing. I want hands on understanding and I want it NOW!! Maybe what I seek isn’t in this dimension though. Maybe my mentor is on another plane. That’s worth considering. Maybe some meditation is in order. If anything it will calm my overly-active hamster wheels tonight. They are most definitely wound tight.
Sweet dreams beautiful, crazy world and all beings swimming around in it. Sweet dreams!