They just keep coming.
Brad and I had a hard break last night. I was struggling even before this happened, but now….
I’m feeling discombobulated. All this stress and all these lessons are coming too fast and furious.
I need to allow for more ease. I’m feeling emotionally unstable and it’s all I can do to contain myself right now. I need to get to a place where I am emotionally ok regardless of what is happening outside of myself. Now is the time. I have to start seeking out healthy solutions. I have to reach into myself and reach out into the universe to call on the strength I need right now. I have to believe it’s there, available for me whenever I am struggling….like this.
I’m not sure how realistic it is to think I’ll find a man that will love and appreciate my children, treating them respectfully and kindly. I was on high vigilance with Brad around my kids because he is the first man I’ve brought around them. One of them didn’t care for him truth be told* and last night he said something to the effect of “I like them now but they aren’t teenagers yet, who knows if I will like them at 13, we’ll have to see.”. He said this in complete seriousness.
Now I recognize that he has been down this road before with his ex; who’s daughter he helped raised. Maybe he has fallout from that but I didn’t want these circumstances in my life. I didn’t ask for all this entanglement. Those kiddos are my life and any man that can’t love them or at the very least tolerate and treat them well isn’t the guy for me. Period. This sealed the nail on that coffin pretty tightly for me.
Maybe I’m not meant to marry again, that’s a possibility, right? Maybe right now I have bigger fish to fry. I need to concentrate on me……the sexual tension will now have to be relieved through exercise….which is fine. My ass needs the toning anyway. I have a few months left of my gym membership. Better get to using it. I need to turn myself back into a morning person and stop staying up until the wee hours. Maybe force myself to head to the gym first thing or do yoga at home or something. No exercise just ain’t cutting it. My mental health is at stake here….. especially now. Most especially now.
But I also need to pray more and allow for more space and healing of my own life. I’m going to give my house a deep blessing tomorrow. Calling on angels. Recruitment in process. Stand guard my beloveds…..for me please.
Here’s another prayer I learned today.
I love you
Say it to yourself. Say it to someone to bless them. Say it to someone you want to forgive or forget. Say it to the world. Let’s let the healing of the entire world….of every single one of us truly begin. Shall we?
*But this was a combination I think of her having a very strong allegiance to her father and also as she told me “is it going to last? Will you get married and then get divorced?” (Ouch) She can’t bare the thought of getting attached to someone and having them leave. She is such a tender hearted child. She is so unique that one. Obviously we all are, but she radiates at a bit higher level is all. More authentic and cerebral and soul sensitive. Like everything and everyone all with it’s own unique set of pluses and minuses.
They said something interesting in the class. ‘You’ve been being yourself…. who you were suppose to be” and fortunately we can improve on that and find true happiness if we wanted to by opening our awareness of who we truly are and finding our own unique path within this world. Simple yet…….
(Back to the story)
Boy I absolutely love this uplifting and funny and cute and makes you want to laugh and maybe even cry kind of stuff. It makes my heart feel so good.