Did a soft break with Brad yesterday. I swear….at this point it’s getting pretty ridiculous. It was his birthday so I broke a rule and left the kids on a school night to canoodle with the boi. We were laying down and out of the blue I just could not breath. Try as I might to stave it off mentally I was feeling absolutely wretched and ended up having to use my inhaler and just go to sleep.
In the midst of all this he says to me “you took on my COPD, I feel great. I didn’t think it transferred so quickly.”. Maybe had I not been in the throws of hyperventilating I would have taken note of that better. I didn’t even know he had COPD prior to that and we didn’t end up getting back to that conversation. Right now it’s just an interesting or disturbing side point. However you want to see it I guess.
I was confused and conflicted this morning about the break and my tea set me straight.
Basically how I feel right now, at this point in my life is that if I’m going to go through the troubles of being in a relationship I want it to revolve around me. Selfish? Sure. I suppose so. I can admit it. But that is exactly what I want. Because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt what I bring and what I give when I love and frankly at this point I need to know…..my heart will be taken care of.
I said to him yesterday “I want to be married again and I need financial stability”. Maybe that’s too much to put on someone but this is the situation we find ourselves in. Me in mine, he in his. I did not create this dilemma. He says to me in his hotheaded way “you are trying to make me miserable” as if that was my intention by saying that. I was merely sharing my own fears and needs and asking to have them addressed or soothed. We didn’t speak for at least 20 minutes after that, which is the time he needed to redirect his rage and address my concerns but the damage was done. I saw clearly that his first reaction was all about him. His needs. His ego. His desires. His emotions.
Should it matter to me that I know he is emotionally inmature? Should it matter to me that I love him? Maybe….but it doesn’t. I want to be first. I want to know that in his heart my needs supercede his and this obviously isn’t the case. I’m really not asking him to change for me. At this point I’m not sure what I want or need from him anymore. I guess more than anything right now I want space….which he is giving me thankfully.
I’ve written about this before but there was a study done at the collegiate level where they asked graduates what the most valuable lesson they learned was. I’m assuming (although it’s been a while and I’ve forgotten) it was multiple choice as the vast majority of the participants said that they learned that “lying pays”. Sad but absolutely believable unfortunately.
I got reminded of this last night while reading a BuzzFeed article entitled “what’s the worst lie you told for personal gain” and boy were they doozies. It struck me as odd how many people lied to gain the hand/love of another person. This should be of no surprise to me as I’m almost positive my ex purposely impregnated me knowing I would marry him, but let’s let that past die.
An eBay client recently told me how glad he was to have found me. I’m always pleasantly surprised when people trust me, because I know not trusting seems to be the default we are heading towards. I told him “I like to sleep well at night and I also like treating people as I like to be treated” and it really is as simple as that.
Which reminds me. Before I get to his things I have to list some clothes that another client gave me that I’ve had since before Christmas. They aren’t valued at much, they probably won’t even sell, but I made a promise I have not kept and it needs to be done. Waste of time or not. It’s what needs to happen. But not today. That little munchkin with the bad immune system still has a tummy ache. She’ll be fine.
I wish she would let me give her medicine but she’s as stubborn as a 3 legged mule being led up a steep hill. So I just have to wait it out for her system to heal itself. One day she’ll appreciate that I know a thing or two….but for now I’ll just keep doing some healing on her. That always seems to help fortunately and it makes me feel a bit less helpless. Nothing like raising kids to put you in your place sometimes. Lol
Wishing you a day of knowing and loving the place you are in. Wherever that is. 💖🙏🏽🙂❄️