I was not a typical little girl. I was a tomboy at best, a loner at worst. I was an only child and while for most children that involves luxuries and unlimited attention to me it involved endless boredom and a lot of time alone.
You’d think in all that time I would have dreamt of white weddings and babies. But no, I didn’t; ever. Not once that I can remember did I ever imagine what I would wear, or the venue or the guest count of a wedding day. I did imagine family life. I imagined a love like no other. The wedding day itself felt irrelevant to me and like an extravagant dream I didn’t feel compelled to have.
It was about 8 years into my marriage when I realized I wanted to feel that excitement. I wanted to enjoy the splendor of planning and celebrating a day of true love. I never had or felt that the first time around. I didn’t even want a ceremony or reception. I only very begrudgingly agreed solely on the conditions that it stay within our immediate budget and I didn’t have to plan a thing. And so we got married for $6k for 105 guest count with my dad paying one third and the rehearsal dinner and his mom basically planning the entire thing.
Then the divorce came and the last thing on my mind was another marriage….and yet now…. well….it seems a silly dream for a woman my age to have. Doesn’t it? And yet I do. Now however that “til death do us part” and “in sickness and in health” is much more real to me. The possibility of having to change my lovers diaper is at my age a real thought, not just some far off thing I can’t even imagine anymore.
Can you really imagine the person sitting across from you feeding you applesauce with your dentures out and sorting out your daily allotment of medications and supplements? Because if you’re lucky that’s where marriage is headed. I watch old couples at restaurants, sitting in complete silence barely acknowledging each other’s existence and I think….”wow, and these are the lucky ones that made it this far together”. It’s not very uplifting honestly and still I want this.
I must be crazy….lol…..but c’est la vie.