I want to live wide open
There are real leaches in this world
Not just the obtuse people that through complete ignorance deplete you of your energy
No…..much more nefarious unfortunately
Are those that purposely seek to take and/or destroy goodness
The funny thing is that good, kind hearted people are full of fear to live openly and vulnerable
And this actually perpetuates the problem as well
Why am I saying all this?
I want to be strong enough on my own to be open
Right now I can be that way when I’m surrounded by anyone that knows, loves and understands me. I can be myself. I can be unguarded.
But alone or with only my children, it can be very difficult for me. Today I purposely went out of my way to hold people’s gaze and smile at them. I even said hello to a few. It was out of my comfort zone and something I don’t normally do. One person so enthusiastically said hi to me that I had to look around to make sure it was actually me they were talking to. I felt like they spoke to me as you would a friend you haven’t seen in a while. I blushed and just kept walking. Unchartered territory. My panic button is still easily tripped.
I was 16. I got on the bus after a long day at school. I was tired and hoping I would find a seat. I saw a half dozen people standing as I got in and figured this was not my day. But as I kept walking towards the back there was indeed a seat open. It was a seat that faces into the bus but beggars can’t be choosers. It was also near an old man that looked a bit dirty, but no matter. This girl wanted to sit.
It wasn’t until I sat down that I got why the seat was open. The old man besides me had some serious mental health issues. He was rocking himself back and forth and mumbling aloud. I could sense he wasn’t a danger to anyone though. So I decided to try and help him out. I closed my eyes and spoke calmly and quietly to him in my mind. Reassuringly. I told him everything was ok. He immediately responded really well. He stopped mumbling and shaking and was serene. But as soon as my attention would waver he would start up again. So I kept with him as much as I could while making sure I didn’t pass my stop. A street before I had to leave I said good bye to him in my head and I could sense he understood.
But as soon as he saw me get up he started thrashing. Whatever it was going on in his head was fierce. I was glad even if just for that short ride I was able to cut through and provide him with a bit of comfort. I always wondered what the other passengers thought of the exchange, if anyone even noticed at all. I think the people standing closest to us were aware but I was too busy concentrating on him to really pay any attention at all.
It still crosses my mind randomly sometimes, I don’t know why. I also still do these sorts of things; but definitely not as much as I used to. Now I’ll see someone that seems to be struggling or deserving of accolades and in my mind’s eye I’ll send them a hug, a kiss or a high five. I always hope that on some cosmic level it makes it to them, even if they never know or see the how or why.
So people think “good vibes” is silly or new age b.s. I say those good vibes are what we all live for. Those moments of bliss. Those moments that take our breath away. Those moments of true depth. That’s what makes life worth living.
Wishing you pleasant dreams and good vibes.