Turbulent Times

These are turbulent times and I’m not even talking about anything outside my own little world here. Lol

I saw this on my way into the gym today and I thought. Is some bicycle lost out in the world? Then on my way out a more deviant thought occured. Is there a man lost out in the world right now and boy would this be a good addition to my toys.

I had a “soul retrieval” this morning and as the name implies it is a way for a healer to help reclaim parts of your soul that were damaged or taken…be it past lives or childhood or whatever.

She (Anneleah Jaxen) is also highly intuitive. She was able to clearly see the dynamic between my mother, my ex, Brad and I.

She asked me not to discredit Brad. He is ever loyal and a good friend. I completely agree but as this time of transitions in my life I feel I need positive, uplifting spirits around me. Then he sends me this picture and well…….my nethers respond in kind. My mouth involuntarily waters. I do miss his arms around me.

Why does the big baffoon send me Pink Floyd’s Dogs song this morning? Does he not get the mood I’m trying SO HARD to set right now? I swear the boi is just so unmindful. Is that a thing? I’m making it a thing.

I keep pushing him away and he doesn’t seem to be getting it. Am I secretly happy? God I can’t even tell anymore. Realistically…..how long can I go without sex? Without being touched? Without playing? He says to me today….

“I want you to strip me, tie my hands behind my back and chase me in the snow with a whip while videoing me”.

All good and well and funny even. But reality is I feel very emotionally disconnected from him which doesn’t make me want to play…..at all. In fact, it makes me want to punish him by abstaining from all play.

I need to be nurtured. My heart and soul need to feel secure, loved, adored, pampered and most importantly UNDERSTOOD. Why does he not get this? Sex is sex. It’s great. I love it. It’s fucking wonderful….. So when I say let’s just be friends. I’m not meaning it to be spiteful. I’m meaning it to be like “hey, you can’t seem to hit the target here so maybe we can just roll this back a few notches and just make the best of it without all the stress of this and that way you can avoid talking to me when I’m stoned and I won’t take it personal. Win/win.”

I feel like I’m done holding tight to things. I need a safe landing.

Author: porngirl3

I have always enjoyed reading and writing. Maybe because I have always been on the quiet and reclusive side; which most people may not guess at first glance or if seeing me in a social setting, especially around people I am comfortable with but it’s also not something I have an issue with. I need solitude to recharge. Writing gives me the peace and time to renew myself...here that is offered to you for your enjoyment and pleasure as well. I hope. Lol

12 thoughts on “Turbulent Times”

    1. Thank you It’s a blessing and a curse. Being so self aware can make you self conscious and second guess yourself but it also makes you more mindful of other people and the effect you have on the world and your environment. It’s all a work in progress. I feel like I have an undetermined finite amount of time to live my own existence and experience of what this world is about and while I may never completely understand or be on board with how it operates I am still here and I will make the best of it and enjoy what I can and leave it hopefully a tiny bit better for me having existed to begin with.

      Lofty as that may seem some days I just binge watch Netflix and eat chocolate. So it evens out. Gotta dry clean my cape once in a while. πŸ˜‹πŸ€“πŸ€£


      Liked by 1 person

  1. I think you should focus on yourself, until you can truly be happy with you, you can’t expect to be happy with someone else. I think from the sound of it your still searching for that happiness. Focus on yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am exponentially happy with myself. Truly I am. I’m just going through so much turmoil. Spiritually, financially, sexually. I can’t seem to find my bearings but I know the first category is a transition I need to be on, the middle is (I’m guessing/hoping) a mental block I need to get past, and the latter is simply not something I want to devote any attention to right now. But I do feel when things settle down in my life with the first two that it will have an impact on the latter, but I have zero clarity right now.

      I’m moving in the direction I need to be with the first two circumstances and just letting my love life falter. I feel Brad may be unjustly being blamed for some of the stress in my life.
      And in true form my first response is “escape”….”run”…..”get away”, which I don’t can’t do with the first two. The first because I’ve tried for far too long and it’s finally come to roost and the second because I have the stability of my 3 children and 3 pets to account for. Resting squarely on my shoulders.

      I don’t think I have self esteem issues. But I guess what I really am clear on is that my self esteem is miles ahead of what it was just a few years ago. I am much happier in my own skin. I love myself.

      My psychologist says I should “feel worthy” and it’s not that I don’t. It’s that life isn’t always the or easy and I am while I am trying to work on blockages and find prosperity and divinity it makes me sad that this simply isn’t out birthright. That so many struggle so much for simple basic necessities.

      It breaks my heart. So who am I to feel worthy? Then I have to quantify others as unworthy, which I would never, under any circumstances do.

      Life is complicated. Loving myself was hard and now I find it rather comforting and pleasant to enjoy my own company and trust in myself.

      Where I falter trusting myself is with men…..mostly.

      Round and round. Did I even say anything?

      You’re right. I need to focus on myself. But solo sex gets so boring.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I enjoy reading your posts, you have a way with words. I believe your going in the right direction. And I believe you have a pretty good handle on things. Life is hard, and it never gets easier. Just stay positive. And please keep sharing your thoughts. If it helps. 😊

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s