Insane in the membrane

I’m on the second show of the Netflix series “You”. This show makes me realize I still have a lot to learn regarding my desire for “fatal attraction”. My take so far: she’s tiresome, he is captivating and I’m an idiot.

How is it that while knowing ahead of time that he is the “bad guy” I am still completely drawn to him? Can it be, even after all my hard knocks, that I’m still a sucker for the wrong guy?

Don’t get me wrong. I know it’s fiction. I know it’s not me. But if it were me, so far at least, I would very much be flattered and happy to have his attention (minus the kidnapping of course and the thing with the little boy is creepy, yet so far hasn’t stepped over any line). I’m going to keep watching but my sense is that once I stop liking Joe I won’t be at all interested.

Which brings me (speaking of relationship issues) to Brad and I breaking up AGAIN. I just can’t handle the strain of it. When it’s good it’s great and when it’s bad it’s misery. I don’t have the time or energy for the flip flopping. I don’t have the mental agility to fix it and I don’t have the wherewithal to muscle through it. At this point the excruciating boredom of being single actually sounds a bit appealing.

I don’t want to date. I don’t want to even try. I still have this deadline looming. I’m just going to plug ahead, trying to figure out what I’m suppose to be doing and how. I met with a lovely naturopath today, but I’m not holding tight to anything right now. Like I told God after the meeting. “It’s up to you.” I’m done worrying and stressing. This is not to say I won’t keep working and striving and pushing forward. Just that more than anyone God knows where I want and need to be and since I don’t have that clear picture in my head I can’t let it stress me.

I wish I did have a clear picture. It would probably be much easier if I did, but there are so many factors at play; so many balls in the air, so many possibilities. Truthfully, I’d be happy with any of the options presented so far. It’s just that none of them are firm yet. It’s almost like I have all these doors open and they all seem like great choices but they all have some hurdles as well and I feel like I just have to keep living moment to moment in the present to get to a point where it becomes crystal clear what needs to happen.

The healing is magical and extraordinary and I love it but I feel I still need and want more training and experience.

Working in tandem with a naturopath is sometime I’ve been wanting from the start and finally seems to actually be plausible. To what extent I am unsure though as adding the Gerson Therapy would require a huge time and money commitment, to the point where I may possibly need an outside investor. Then there is the third option and possibly even more.

I know exactly what I need. I need a baseline of financial security. How I will achieve that I am completely uncertain of. Have I even absolutely ruled out being a professional dominatrix? Hmmmmmmm. Well. Yes. Truthfully. It seems to be moving farther away of its own volition, but maybe that’s also because I had Brad to satisfy me.

It’s really quite interesting to straddle so many worlds; to wear so many hats. Is it funny that even with so much uncertainty, even with so much at stake I still feel lucky? I still feel so happy a grateful to have so many great experiences and be presented with opportunities and dreams I never even invisioned having 5 years ago; even though it all can all still feel a little bit overwhelming and scary too.

I’ll be honest here though. I hate being single. I hate not having at least a lover. But right now with so much happening, and my kiddo’s (two of which are currently sick) and my own extreme need for self care……well……let’s be real here. It just doesn’t seem possible. Look….I tried. Right? We all saw I tried. I gave it all I could. I can’t keep pushing this barrel uphill. I’ve got to let life take me where it wants me to be and that’s hopefully a place of more ease.

Wishing you all more ease and a great weekend. I’m just hoping mine doesn’t involve any puking. 😝


Author: porngirl3

I have always enjoyed reading and writing. Maybe because I have always been on the quiet and reclusive side; which most people may not guess at first glance or if seeing me in a social setting, especially around people I am comfortable with but it’s also not something I have an issue with. I need solitude to recharge. Writing gives me the peace and time to renew that is offered to you for your enjoyment and pleasure as well. I hope. Lol

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