I have that song stuck in my head now….
What’s not to love about relationships? You have built-in sex with a best friend, sounding board, confidant, partner, companion and supporter. You have someone to love that loves you back. Someone to trust that trusts you. Someone to lean on that leans on you….not constantly just as needed and possible.
Brad and I have broken up so many times that each time we get back together I think we trust each other less, with our hearts. Which makes us bicker more. It’s not a good thing. When things are good they are great. We’re like teenagers in love for the first time; then when things are bad…..ugghhh….it can be pretty unbearable; ergo the breaking up.
We got together over the weekend and things sexually were pretty lackluster; to the point where he didn’t even manage an erection. Now I don’t need fireworks every single time. Intention and passion means more than orgasms, but it is a good barometer for a relationship. Sexual health in a relationship is like the canary in the mine; at least from my experience it is. Maybe this has more to do with me…I honestly can’t say.
I can walk away. It’s my hidden talent in life; good or bad as it may be. But when it’s people I love or that truly need me, I can’t turn away when they come to me. It isn’t in me.
Sooo we keep trying but I feel like I’m asking too much. I have absolutely no intention of changing one single iota for him and yet there are things I can not put up with in his behavior; immaturity, martyrism, and the constant need to talk and be at the center of it all. He leads so many conversations or takes other people’s conversations in a totally different direction and….
I need him to change if we are to continue, but these are hard asks. These are ingrained behavior patterns. This is deep psyche shit. It’s not a battle many take on of their own accord, let alone because some chick asks you to. It doesn’t feel right of me to demand so much and yet……..
My father called. He is planning his marriage to bachelorette number 4, remember the younger and prettier than me one. The Hawaiian dance instructor. Uhu. He says to me “I told her….if this doesn’t work out I am officially done with love”. I told him I knew exactly how he felt. These are (almost) the exact same words I’ve said to Brad. I don’t know that I have it in me. Maybe part if it is the timing too; me being under the gun, so to say.
Just that, I can’t be a burden to anyone and he has plenty of his own issues; health, finances, family. You know. The easy stuff. 😝
But you know……..
the cheese is tired of standing alone.